


Circumbinary

by CiaraSky



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Humor, Canon Compliant, F/M, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Mild Language, Minor Bellamy Blake/Echo, Minor Emori/John Murphy (The 100), Minor Raven Reyes/Miles Ezekiel Shaw, Original Character(s), POV Alternating, Pining, Post-Season/Series 05, Season/Series 06, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-06-25 22:17:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 32,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15650013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CiaraSky/pseuds/CiaraSky
Summary: How did you cope with the knowledge that the world you knew, the world that had been destroyed, fought over, and destroyed again, was gone? How did you cope with the knowledge that a new planet was waiting for you, and you had the chance for a fresh start? The thought of it was frightening. And exciting.Or: a Season Six story in which Clarke, Bellamy and the others embark on their journey on the new planet and discover some disturbing secrets along the way, forcing them to take action yet again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so I told myself "do not write this! you need to focus on your WIP!" but here we are and i regret nothing! enjoy!  
> ***  
> so i didn't put it in the tags but this work contains some Becho, which will not be there for a long time, though. I just didn't wanna tag it because this work is a bellarke fic, not a becho one. it still needs to be dealt with, though, unfortunately, bc i cannot pretend it doesn't exist. i hope it won't turn you away!  
> ***  
> also: there's a playlist that accompanies this fic on spotify. find it [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/1135601830/playlist/2SvEB6dZ4ta8js9mfcDkAp?si=NRq_5dvsS02aDk00fy0RQw).

 

Clarke kept staring at the planet in front of her, so very familiar, yet not resembling the Earth she remembered seeing from the Ark. She felt the tips of Bellamy's fingers tighten around the fabric of her shirt, the dull thump of his heartbeat more of a feeling traveling along her skin that an actual sound. In the reflection of the window, she saw Jordan step closer to them.

“I know it's a lot...” he said, shoving his hands into the pockets of his pants. Bellamy let go off Clarke, both of them turning around to face him. “Dad's instructions say to wake everyone except Eligius, but I don't...”

He licked his lips as he stared at them, his mouth opening and closing. Clarke looked at Bellamy with raised eyebrows and he nodded at her in silent approval. Facing Jordan again, she agreed, “Let's do it.”

Together they went back to the cryopod hall, the cold metal of the floor seeping into Clarke's bare feet. When Jordan opened the door, Clarke was immediately drawn to Madi's pod, as was Bellamy to Octavia's. Clarke watched him over her shoulder as he tried to make out his sister's features through the iced up glass but when he took a step back to open her pod, she quickly looked away. She felt the heat creep into her cheeks, like a little schoolgirl whose crush had just been exposed by her classmates. She took a deep breath to get rid of it. Then she pressed the touchscreen to wake up Madi.

Her heart began to flutter as the glass lifted and the bed was pushed outwards and Madi's face came into view. As the metal bed came to a rest, Madi opened her eyes, squinting at the sudden light.

“Clarke!” she whispered, her hand reaching out to touch hers. Clarke took it gratefully. Sending Madi off to lead Wonkru into the war now actually felt like a distant memory, after everything they had just learned, even though practically, it had happened yesterday.

“Hey my little nightblood,” Clarke responded, echoing the exact same words she had said to Madi when the Eligius ship had descended for the first time. The hissing sound of another pod made her look up momentarily, and she saw Bellamy standing beside Octavia's pod, his eyebrows drawn together in anxious anticipation.

“I didn't dream,” Madi then said, bringing Clarke's attention back to her and causing her to smile despite the caught-schoolgirl- feeling swelling up inside her again.

“I didn't, either. But I still got quite a story to tell you,” Clarke replied, brushing over Madi's hair. She started to push herself up and looked up and down the stretched out room before her eyes fell onto Jordan, who still stood by the door.

“Who is he?” Madi asked as her eyebrows traveled up her forehead.

Clarke looked over at him. She suspected he deliberately acted as though he didn't notice them talking about him.

“He's part of the story.”

Madi finally got out of her pod just as Octavia jumped down from hers while Bellamy woke up Echo.

“We're the first ones?” Madi asked as she looked around the room again, rubbing the muscles in her neck. Clarke herself still felt the stiffness lingering throughout her body. _I guess 125 years in cryo do that to you_.

“Yeah. Go and wake up Murphy and Emori, alright?” Clarke ordered, petting the long waves cascading down Madi's back one last time before the girl nodded and wandered off, trying to find the pods belonging to Clarke's friends. _Friends_. Clarke felt like she didn't even know what that meant anymore. For six years, she had been practically alone. Sure, she had Madi, but there was a reason she had radioed Bellamy and the others every day. She had craved someone who had lived through all the same struggles as her since they had come down to earth all that time ago, someone who just... _got it_. But when they had come back from the Ring, they had become a family and Clarke... well, she had been the odd one out. She sighed. 

The hissing of more pods opening brought her thoughts back to the task at hand and she went over along the rows of displays, searching for the name of the one other girl she had missed more than she had allowed herself to fully acknowledge.

“Raven's back there,” Bellamy said, pointing to a pod a few feet away. Clarke couldn't help the small smile that tugged at the corner of her mouth as she nodded at him and went over, touching the display and waking her friend up.

The ice inside the glass thawed as it lifted and the bed extended. Raven wore the same dark blue shirt Clarke and Bellamy wore and this alone made tears well up in Clarke's eyes, just as Raven's fluttered open.

“Hey cockroach,” she joked, struggling to prop herself onto her elbows as the lid of her pod still lifted. 

“I thought that was Murphy's nickname,” Clarke replied, struggling to keep her tears at bay.

Raven chuckled, short and light. “You can be cockroaches together.”

With this, she stood up and embraced Clarke in a tight hug, both burying their faces in the other one's neck. 

“I'm sorry I used the collar on you,” Clarke whispered. “I didn't know how else to get rid of McCreary.”

“I'm sorry we tried to sneak Madi away from under your nose. We didn't know how else to win the war,” Raven whispered back and Clarke could hear that she tried to cover the lump in her throat. 

They hugged each other for a few more moments until they broke apart, both their cheeks wet, and both of them laughing as they wiped them dry again. 

“I missed you, Griffin,” Raven said, a bittersweet smile turning the corners of her mouth up, down, and up again. 

“I missed you too.” 

But then, curiosity got the better of Raven and she looked around, Clarke following her gaze. Murphy and Emori were wrapped in each other's arms beside their opened pods, as were Octavia and Indra a bit farther down the room. The beep of the pod above Raven's caused Clarke to look back as she saw Raven eagerly waiting for it to open. With a last glance at the pod's occupant's name – Miles Ezekiel Shaw – on the display, she left her friend's side, allowing her some privacy. A few dozen feet away, she found her mother's and Kane's pod and opened the former, unsure if Kane should be woken up yet. 

“Clarke,” her mother's voice broke when she woke up and found her daughter's face, her thin hands reaching out. Clarke helped her get up from the pod, noticing the gaunt features of her mother. Her heart sank at the sight.

“Hi Mom.”

“What's going on?” Abby asked, as she tried to make sense of what she was seeing. Clarke gulped.

“I'll tell you in a bit. Who else do you think we should wake up?” She felt like a little kid again, asking her mother for advice on what to do. Abby knitted her eyebrows.

“What don't I know?”

Clarke's mouth fell open. She had hoped her mom wouldn't put two and two together as quickly, having only woken up from cryo a minute ago. Trying to regain her composure, Clarke put her hand on her mother's shoulder.

“We'll tell you soon,” she replied. She had no interest whatsoever to tell her mom about the faith of the earth here and now. 

Abby placed her own hand over Clarke's and nodded before they broke apart and looked around. The others had gathered in a small crowd in the middle of the room, exchanging hugs and smiles. Clarke squinted her eyes as she contemplated to wake up one last person. In the end, the rational side of her won. Striding past the group, she found the pod she was looking for at the other end of the room. She opened it and extended a hand to help the other woman up. 

“I'll never get used to this,” Diyoza said as she accepted Clarke's hand and let herself be pulled up, holding her belly with her free hand. Looking over at the others, she quickly figured the situation out. “Something's wrong.”

Clarke nodded, her lips pressed together in a thin line. 

“You're smart, and you know it. We could use your expertise.”

Diyoza raised one eyebrow at this, smirking. 

“Lead the way,” she said and followed Clarke who started moving again. When they reached the group, the conversations between them broke off, all eyes on Clarke.

“We should get to the bridge,” Clarke stated, her eyes meeting Raven's, then Madi's, then Bellamy's. He nodded slowly, once, and so she turned around to lead the group out of the cryopod hall, only to find Jordan still by the door. Now, he looked at her, waiting for her input on what was going to happen next. Clarke jerked her chin to signal him to join their group and and she set off, walking them through the corridors back to the bridge, the sound of their bare feet on the metal bouncing off the walls like waves on a shore.

When they entered the room, it was already flooded with the light from the two suns. Some of them froze at the sight, bringing the group to a standstill. Turning her back to the window and Jordan standing next to her, Clarke let her eyes travel over those that were now awake, seeing quizzically knitted eyebrows appear on more and more of their faces. Clarke finally looked at Bellamy and they shared a long stare, trying to figure out how to break the news to their friends and family. Eventually, Bellamy moved, leaving Echo's side, and joined Clarke's instead. He cleared his throat.

“Guys, this is Jordan...” Bellamy started but lost the courage to finish.

“... Jasper Green,” Clarke continued and she saw several pairs of eyes widen. Quickly, she added, “Monty's and Harper's son. They didn't...” _Make it_ felt wrong to say. Because they had made it. Alone, but on their terms, and they had managed to save all of them in the end. “They didn't put themselves in cryo. Instead they monitored the earth to see when we could go back.”

“But things didn't go according to plan,” Bellamy took over. "After ten years, when Jordan was eight years old, there was still no sign of life back on the earth. After another 16 years, Earth was still as dead as the day we left it, and they decided to put Jordan in cryo. And...” Bellamy's voice broke and he swiftly wiped a tear away. “Monty worked on decrypting the Eligius III mission file and after thirty years, he finally did it. And so he set the course for this new planet, programming a code for Jordan to be woken up when we reached the coordinates, leaving him instructions on what to do next...” Bellamy's voice broke again and he swallowed hard. 

“So I woke up Bellamy and Clarke first, like Mom and Dad wanted me to,” Jordan added and Clarke could see Echo's eyes flicker her way, so quickly that if she had blinked, she would've missed it. 

“So for how long were we asleep?” Raven asked into the silence, her finger's reaching out for Shaw's next to her. Clarke took a deep breath.

“125 years.”

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

“125 years, huh?” Diyoza echoed Clarke's words before she chuckled. “I guess I now have the longest ever recorded pregnancy.”

Clarke couldn't help the laughter that bubbled up inside her at this. Diyoza was disarmingly nonchalant, Clarke had to give her that. But when she looked around at the others, she didn't see a single smile, instead the eyes of those who had spend six years on the Ring with Monty and Harper had filled with tears, the realization that their friends were long dead and gone hitting them. Without warning, the lump in her own throat was back.

“Dad said there are no records of Eligius III ever making it to the planet,” Jordan said, his voice small.

“So the planet might not be survivable after all?” Murphy asked and brushed past Echo who had blocked his view before. Clarke opened her mouth.

“Monty _also_ said that the lack of records is most likely due to the fact that the first apocalypse happened before they reached their destination, so no one was able to receive their radio calls,” Bellamy added with a side glance at Jordan whose cheeks had reddened.

“So what do we do now?” Emori asked.

“There's no way for us to survive up here unless everyone goes back into cryosleep,” Diyoza said as her and Shaw exchanged a glance. “Either the people from Eligius III made it and are down there, or they're not. We won't know unless we try and make contact.”

The words hung in the air. They all knew that this was what it came down to.

“What if they're hostile?” Bellamy asked, causing heads to turn his way.

“They sent normal people on the Eligius III mission. Engineers. Military officials. Researchers.”

“Still,” Bellamy replied, his hands resting on his hips. “We need to plan for every outcome.”

“It's either this or cryosleep forever,” Octavia threw in, her eyes on Bellamy, her jaw set.

“So you say we fly down there no matter what? That'd be your plan? They could shoot us out of the sky for all we know!” Bellamy bit back. Clarke wanted to reach out, lay her hand on his arm, soothing him, but she knew this wasn't the time.

“That's why we need to try and contact them first,” Clarke said instead, bringing Octavia's attention to herself. She heard Bellamy exhale beside her. “If what Diyoza says is true, we should be able to negotiate with them.”

“Negotiate!” Octavia exclaimed, causing everyone else to look at her. “Do you really believe that they–”

“Octavia, enough!” Bellamy cut her off, his voice deep and sharp like a freshly forged knife. Clarke saw how the muscles in Octavia's jaw started working, but she didn't say anything.

Uncomfortable shuffling filled the room.

“I say we vote,” Raven finally broke the silence and looked around at everyone. “Those in favor of contacting Eligius III, raise your hand.”

One by one, everyone raised their hands until only Octavia was left with her arms crossed before her chest.

“It's decided then,” Clarke said and found Bellamy's eyes for a second before she turned back. “Raven, are you good to go?”

Raven wiped one last, stray tear away and started walking towards the computers.

“You know I am.”

“Good. Jordan, do you know where Monty put the decrypted files?” Clarke asked which he answered with a nod and joined Raven's side, hitting some keys and pulling up the files.

“Thanks,” Raven said and opened them up. She started reading, but after a moment, she turned around in her seat and stared at them with a raised eyebrow.

“Give me a minute to read, guys. I can't concentrate knowing that all of you are staring at me.”

“We're just admiring the view,” Murphy joked, with earned him a playful punch into his ribs from Emori.

“Shut the fuck up, Murphy,” Raven said with a grin and turned back around and started reading again. Clarke watched her for another moment when Bellamy's fingers brushed along her arm, bringing her attention to him.

“Are you alright?” he whispered softly, the light of the two suns illuminating half his face.

“As alright as you can be when just 15 minutes ago you learned that you've been asleep for 125 years and life as you knew it is gone,” Clarke said, her breath getting caught in her throat at the end. “Are you?”

He didn't say anything, just kept staring at her, and that alone was enough of an answer.  How did you cope with the knowledge that the world you knew, the world that had been destroyed, fought over, and destroyed again, was gone? How did you cope with the knowledge that a new planet was waiting for you, and you had the chance for a fresh start? The thought of it was frightening. And exciting. 

It took Raven another ten minutes to read the mission file, joined by Shaw at her side while Jordan had wandered off and was now talking to Murphy. Clarke watched them with cautious amusement, remembering how Monty had said that Murphy was Jordan's favorite. _Same as Madi_ , she thought, and smiled at the memory of telling Madi all about her friends. It had been her way of keeping them fresh in her mind, along with drawing their face again, and again, and again. Standing here, now, surrounded by them, made her wonder how she had actually survived those years.

“Alright, guys,” Raven finally said and swivelled around in her chair again, pulling a strand of her from between her lips that had gotten caught there. “From what Monty decrypted we know that the planet is part of a binary star system, one of them on the way to become a red giant,” Raven explained and pointed at the sun that was more reddish than the other one. “They orbit each other in the matter of twenty days, which means every ten days, there's an eclipse caused by the suns themselves, which in turn means that temperatures on the planet drop somewhat those days. Speaking of the planet,” Raven smiled and pulled up an infographic on one of the screens, “it's around one and a half times as big as the earth, and a lot further away from the suns. The axis of the planet is slightly tilted, causing seasons like back on earth, but less pronounced. From what we can see now that we're here, we know that the atmosphere is strong enough to keep water on the planet's surface, and that the temperatures should be in the normal range, since the water is neither completely frozen nor evaporated.”

Hope started to spread throughout Clarke's veins. She looked down when suddenly, a hand found hers and she saw Madi next to her, entwining her fingers with Clarke's and looking up at her.

“Wich yu in disha na kom au?”

“English, Madi,” Clarke reminded her and the girl looked away, abashed. Seeing this, Clarke pedaled back, taking Madi's face in her hands. “Hey, I know you're scared, but this will work out, okay? I promise you.”

After a moment, Madi nodded but still didn't meet Clarke's eyes again. Feeling like she was being watched, Clarke looked up and found Diyoza, her hands clutching her belly, not even trying to cover that she had followed Madi's and Clarke's interaction.

“So the chances that Eligius III is down there are good,” Shaw added and brought everyone's attention back to the decision they had made.

“Then we shouldn't waste any time,” Abby chimed in. “If they're down there, and if they brought engineers, researchers, and possibly doctors with them, that means they could have the medical equipment I need to treat Marcus's wounds.”

“And Gaia's,” Indra added from beside Octavia. Only now did Clarke realize how lucky they were that none of them had died in the fight. But then she reminded herself that she was wrong, many people had died, on both sides, and if not in the fight, then in the pit in the bunker or because of the disease the mining mission had caused the prisoners, or by her own hand, when Eligius IV had first come down. A shudder ran down Clarke's back as she thought of it. When had she become a person that killed other without remorse? She didn't know. She just knew she didn't want to be that person anymore. But how could she come back from that?

The soft pressure of Madi's hand against her own interrupted her train of thought and brought her back to the present. Madi gave her a small smile before she leaned her head against Clarke's arm. _I want to be a better person. For her. For him. For me,_ she thought.

“This is the Eligius IV mission ship calling Eligius III. Can anyone hear me?” Raven said and Clarke saw her pressing one side of the headphones closer to her ear. “Eligius IV calling Eligius III. Can anyone hear me?”

Clarke felt her heartbeat accelerate. Second after second passed while the speakers on the bridge stayed silent. Raven repeated the message. Once. Twice. Clarke now stared at the planet, watching as a swirl of clouds emitted flashes of lightning without pause. Raven repeated the message again, hitting a few buttons while she did it. Then, her voice carried over, tinny, from the headphones that now hung around Raven's neck, running on a loop.

“This is all I can do for now.”

“Are you sure they can hear it?” Bellamy asked anxiously from the other side of the room. Clarke found him standing next to Echo, her arm still around the small of his back. Quickly, she looked away again.

“I'm blasting this on every frequency, if anyone is down there, they _will_ hear it,” Raven said decidedly. “It had taken us some minutes to get through to the Ark when Finn got stabbed, and they had _waited_ for us to call, remember?” This was a rhetorical question, because of course all of them remembered. How couldn't they?

“Give it some time,” Clarke said to Bellamy, yet not looking at him but at Raven, who knitted her eyebrows almost indiscernibly. Clarke already knew that Raven would bring this moment up later when they'd have time to talk, and she already dreaded it.

“Anyway, I'll stay here and monitor the radio. Don't worry,” Raven replied and gave her chair a push, turning around to face the monitors again. Clarke couldn't bring herself to look away though, to occupy her mind with anything else. _This has to work. It just has to._ Or else, they'd be stranded on spaceship that had no way of supporting them or on a planet that wasn't survivable.

The minutes stretched like honey, making Clarke's thoughts sluggish. She watched as Madi let go off her hand and went over to Raven and Shaw, curiously asking about the mechanisms of the control panel. She watched as Emori cried in Murphy's arms about the loss of Harper and Monty, Jordan standing next to them, looking away. She watched as Octavia and Indra talked quietly in a corner, both of them in the white tank tops from Eligius, so very different than anything both of them had ever worn. She watched as her mother opened the Eligius III files on a big screen, reading through everything Monty had found out, and Diyoza joining her side to provide any additional information she knew about. She didn't watch as Echo and Bellamy stood in an embrace in the other corner of the room. _Odd one out._

Suddenly, a voice distorted by atmospheric noise sounded through the speakers, causing every conversation and interaction to cease abruptly, everyone's head turning towards the speakers.

“This is General Myers, please identify yourself.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanna say a big thank you to everyone who read this, left kudos or comments, they truly mean a lot <3 so far, my inspiration is still cooperating with me, so a new chapter should be up tomorrow (:


	3. Chapter 3

 

Raven turned around and stared at Clarke who only looked back at her friends with wide eyes. Quickly, Raven put the headphones on again, switching on the microphone.

“This is Raven Reyes on board the Eligius IV mission ship. We're harboring 412... correction, 411 refugees from planet Earth.”

Again, atmospheric noise filled the speakers as everyone held their breath, waiting for an answer. The anticipation seemed to draw them in as they all stepped closer around the control panel, soon shoulders touching shoulders and necks craned to catch a glimpse at the monitor in front of Raven.

“How did you get ahold of these coordinates? Where is Captain Stevens?” General Myers asked, his voice too slow to convince Clarke that he was actually calm. Raven hesitated, throwing a glance towards Diyoza and Shaw..

“Only answer the second question!” Shaw whispered into her ear, inaudible for the microphone. Raven nodded before she replied, “Captain Stevens is dead, General.”

Again, almost a minute passed before General Myers replied. His voice was slightly more on edge as he said, “Captain Stevens is dead, you say? Then who are you, and why do you have control of the ship? Your name doesn't appear in any of the Eligius IV files.”

A murmur went through the group. How did he know what the Eligius IV files contained? Raven switched off the microphone and looked at Diyoza.

“Surely it'd be a monumentally stupid idea to tell him that you're responsible for the mutiny that killed the Captain and his crew,” she deadpanned. Diyoza simply raised an eyebrow at that.

“He didn't ask why Stevens is dead. Just answer his questions with as little information as possible. He doesn't need to know every detail.”

“Do you really think this will work?”

“These men never think far ahead when they're confronted with an unexpected scenario. He'll demand more information soon, but until that happens, we can come up with a story that'll ensure they won't blow us out of the sky.” None of them could argue with this. Clarke had been dimly aware that Diyoza must've had some experience dealing with government officials from what she had told her when they had first met, but she never knew exactly how extensive that experience was. As it appeared, Diyoza knew precisely what they were dealing with.

“So what do I tell them?” Raven asked, looking at no one in particular.

“That Eligius IV came back to Earth in the middle of a war and managed to escape right before life on Earth was destroyed, and that you're the only pilot on board, since the last pilot from Eligius IV is injured,” Clarke proposed when nobody else spoke up. Several heads turned her way, including Diyoza's and Shaw's. “We'll delete the Captain's log and claim the ship has been in the possession of the enemy, which also killed the crew. Instead of Diyoza stirring up a mutiny, she was the one who regained control of the ship and saved us.”

Diyoza smiled at Clarke, opening her mouth to reply when she was cut off by Octavia.

“No way. We are _not_ letting her be the hero of the story,” she hissed as Diyoza turned around to face her.

“No. This is a good plan. It's partially true, which is the perfect basis for a good cover-up,” she replied, her calm voice such a stark contrast to Octavia's. The two women stared at one another for several moments until Indra interrupted them, turning towards Octavia.

“I agree with Diyoza and Clarke. We don't have to like it – we have to make it down there alive.”

Octavia stared at her mentor before she exhaled sharply, shrugging her shoulders to signal that she wouldn't interfere with their plan any longer. So now Clarke found Raven's eyes and nodded. Raven positioned the headphones over her ears again and switched on the microphone, taking a deep breath.

“My name doesn't appear in the files because I'm not a prisoner, General. Eligius IV returned to Earth in the middle of a war. Our enemy hijacked the transport ship and killed most of the crew, but Charmaine Diyoza and the other prisoners managed to overpower them. We were fighting on the same side of the war. They saved us. The last surviving pilot is injured, that's why I'm flying the ship.”

When she finished, Clarke exhaled the breath the hadn't realized she had held. Seconds ticked away as anxiety started to spread through her veins. This needed to work.

“Charmaine Diyoza, you say?” the General's voice came through the speakers and they could hear rustling and faint, erratic voices, evidence of whatever was going on down there. “That doesn't sound like her at all.”

Diyoza went over to Raven, leaning over the control panel and held out a hand for the headphones, which Raven took off and gave to her.

“General Myers, good afternoon” Diyoza then greeted him. “If you read my file, which I assume you did, then you should be aware that I always stand up for those that are unjustly harmed and endangered. Though my methods have changed, my morals haven't.” Diyoza paused and was met with stunned silence. “And assuming you also read the Eligius IV files, you know that our ship has no way to support the occupants unless they are all in cryosleep. Surely by now, you figured out where I'm going with this.”

“You're seeking refuge,” General Myers replied, the bustling in the background still audible.

“That's right.”

More silence followed, and Diyoza gave the headphones back to Raven. She walked over to Clarke and laid one hand on her shoulder, leaning close so that no one else heard what she was saying.

“You're the only one with the blood alteration like Eligius III, so you'll be the only one who will be able to survive down there without the serum injections. If they agree to speak to one of us face to face, it'll have to be you.”

Clarke nodded. She had come to this conclusion herself already. Well, partly. She hadn't known that there was a serum. She had assumed everyone else would need a bone marrow transplant to be able to withstand the radiation from the two suns on the planet. She didn't point out that she wasn't the only Nightblood, though. The static crackle of the radio brought Clarke's attention back to the speakers.

“Before we can agree to offer refuge to everyone on board of your ship,” General Myers said and cleared his throat, “we need to clarify some more facts.”

This was Clarke's cue. She joined Raven at the control panel, who offered her the headphones without hesitation. She felt the eyes of everyone focusing on her, weighing her down.

“General, my name is Clarke Griffin. I'm the one you'll be dealing with.”

“Miss Griffin, with all due respect, this is not your decision to make.”

“That may be true,” Clarke responded and turned around to face her friends. “But I'm the only one who can actually withstand the radiation on your planet, so I'll be the only one you can talk to face to face.” She left the rest hanging in the air for the General to make sense of. Then, Madi pushed past Bellamy and came to a halt in front of Clarke, her face showing clearly just how much she disapproved of where things were going. But Clarke just silently shook her head, hoping that Madi could read her mind. _This isn't up for discussion._

It took the General several more moments to respond.

“Miss Griffin? We approved the landing of one transport ship, just you and the pilot, on our base. These are the coordinates.” As he announced them, Raven quickly put them into the computer. “We will transmit GPS data soon. We expect you no later than 1700 hours. Good afternoon, Miss Griffin.” With this, the signal cut out. Clarke looped the headphones around her neck.

“Clarke, you can't do this!” Madi immediately said, clutching at Clarke's arms.

“I have to,” Clarke replied and gently plucked Madi's hands from her arms. “I got Raven to protect me. You don't need to worry.”

“Clarke's right, Madi,” Raven chimed in with a smirk. “She's got this. She always does.”

Clarke inhaled a shaky breath. She hoped that Raven was right, because right now, the fear that all this could go dramatically sideways was threatening to choke her. As was the look in Madi's eyes, so she reached out and pulled the girl into a hug, running her hands over the back of her head. When they broke apart, she saw tears in Madi's eyes for a split second before she blinked them away. _Fuck._

“You shouldn't waste any time,” Diyoza said and Clarke looked over at her as Raven got up from her chair. “This could become a long evening.”

With these words, Clarke let go off Madi and Raven gave Shaw a goodbye kiss before they started off towards the hallway, leaving the others behind.

“Clarke Griffin, saving the day. Again,” Raven said as the door slid shut behind them, the smirk back in place. Clarke looked at her friend with knitted eyebrows, so Raven added, “Too soon?”

“You know I didn't intend for me to be the one to do the negotiations,” Clarke replied, sighing.

“Relax. I know,” Raven replied and placed her hand on Clarke's back. “It just always seemed to come natural to you.”

Clarke nodded with her lips pressed tightly together. Raven wasn't wrong. Just for once, though, she wished that someone else would step up and take over that part. She was so tired of it. But at the same time Clarke knew that in this particular case, there was no other way.

Suddenly, the door behind them opened again and and the girls turned around as Bellamy rushed through it, the sound of his feet hitting the metal floor bouncing off the walls. He came to an abrupt halt in front of them. For a moment, none of them said a word. Then, Bellamy looked at Raven and asked, “Can we have a minute?”

Raven shrugged her shoulders and left with the comment that she'd get the ship ready for take-off. When she was out of earshot, Bellamy exhaled, his arms hanging by his side, looking like he didn't know what to do with them.

“This is insane.”

“What do you want me to do, Bellamy?” Clarke asked distraught, hunching her shoulders. Shooting a glance down the hallway, she saw that Raven was already halfway to the door to the transport ship. “I need to do this.”

With one last glance, she started moving, but Bellamy reached out, his fingers finding her skin and closing around her wrist, holding her back. She stopped in her tacks, looking back at him.

“Look, this is the only way,” Clarke said, trying to wind her wrist out of Bellamy's grasp, but he held it tightly. She was captured by his intense gaze, his eyebrows drawn together in worry. “Radiation is far too high down there for any of you, and I am _not_ letting Madi conduct negotiations with who-knows-who.”

Bellamy held her stare a few more seconds before his grasp softened, but he didn't let go yet. He let his head hang low.

“Clarke, I can't let you do this,” he breathed before he met her eyes again.

“Bellamy, I'll be –”

“Fine, yeah. I know. That's what you always say. But I meant...” He faltered. Clarke was stunned. They had been here before, multiple times, and both of them had always come through on the other side alive. And yet, something seemed different this time. The hissing of the door that led to the transport ship opening down the hallway disrupted the silence for a second; then again, nothing. The sensation of Bellamy's thumb pressing against the inside of her wrist, right where her veins ran along, startled her. She saw how Bellamy clenched his jaw before he finally looked at her again. “What I meant to say is: I know...” He faltered again for a moment, before he swallowed hard and said, “about the radio calls.”

Clarke heard herself gasp at this revelation. The past six years flashed before her eyes, the first time she had radioed him, the last time and every call in between. Every word she had uttered in those endlessly lonely nights came rushing back to her, causing the blood to shoot into her cheeks.

“I... How...” Clarke started, but words failed her.

“Madi told me.” His embrace of her wrist softened again, his fingertips now traveling down the back of her hand. He broke their eye contact again, looking down at their hands. Clarke watched it as well, too perplexed to react in any way. When Bellamy's hand found her cheek, she tore her eyes away from their hands, finding Bellamy's eyes instead. He bit the inside of his lip before he murmured, “Look. I can't do this again. I can't let you go on some dangerous mission without...” He inhaled deeply, his eyelids fluttering. “Without you knowing that I missed you every single... godforsaken day. I thought you were _dead_ , Clarke. I thought you were dead for six years. I mourned you. We all did. Every single day I wished it had been me, dead, instead of you, because I didn't know how I could go on without you. And I promised myself to make you proud, to honor your memory, to use my head and not just my heart, like you had told me to. And when we came back down, my whole world turned upside down. Because you were alive. _You were alive_. And every single decision I made... it was to make sure you stayed alive. Even if you'd hate me, at least you were alive. Because I knew... know... I know I can't go through that again.”

Everything was skin against skin, the words than hung between them making every sensation, every light, every color more intense, more piercing. Clarke heard her blood flow through her ears, felt the thumping of her heart in her rib cage, and she thought that Bellamy must be able to see it. She thought she'd drown in his eyes.

“Bellamy, I...” she whispered, yet word failed her again. She swallowed hard.

“I just... I needed you to know,” Bellamy said breathlessly, his fingers closing around her hand. Everything was warmth, soft and comforting. Suddenly, Clarke recognized the feeling. It was a feeling she had buried deep inside her when she had seen Bellamy and Echo kiss in the desert after the sandstorm. It was a feeling she still wasn't sure she was allowed to feel. Allowed herself to feel. How could they go on from here? She didn't know. She tried to think of something to reply, opening her mouth, once, twice, but nothing came to her. Then, finally, she voiced the only thing that kept getting stuck in her head.

“But Echo...”

She saw his eyes widen for a split second, something behind them flickering, his eyebrows then wrinkling for just a split second as well. Clarke watched the silent emotions on his face, surprised, as a tiny voice in the back of her head whispered _Hadn't he realized?_

“I...” he began but fell silent. His eyes searched her face and Clarke became intensely aware of his one hand still on her cheek and his other one still holding hers. She retreated, breaking their touch. Immediately, she felt colder.

“I need to go,” Clarke said, but didn't move. They watched each other, nobody saying anything. She bit the inside of her lip. He inhaled deeply.

“Good luck.”

“Thanks,” she ended and quickly turned around, taking a deep breath as soon as he didn't see her face anymore. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck. Without another glance back, she strode down the hallway, making her way to the transport ship's cockpit. Raven was already waiting for her, turning around as she entered the room, but before she could say anything, Clarke plopped down in the other pilot chair, fastening the seat belts, and said curtly, “Let's go.”

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

Clarke could feel Raven looking at her, but right now, she didn't have the nerves to get into this.

“Let's go,” she repeated, staring straight ahead out of the window.

“Oookay,” Raven drawled and Clarke heard the smooth rotation of Raven's seat, followed by the sound of several switches. The outside hatch opened as the engines started. “Ready for take-off.”

With a jerk that pressed Clarke into the leather of the seat, the ship launched forward, out of the metal body of the mother ship, into the vast, dark vacuum of space. Somehow, it was fitting. Her insides felt weirdly numb, like someone had just cut her open and taken out every organ, leaving only her heart to beat in her empty rib cage. Her thoughts were fuzzy as Bellamy's words kept playing on repeat in her mind. _I thought you were dead._ Clarke swallowed but the lump in her throat didn't budge. She tried again, and again, and again, but it only seemed to become bigger until she felt like it'd choke her to death. A ragged breath escaped her. _I can't go through that again_.

“Clarke?” Raven's soft voice broke through her thoughts and she noticed that her cheeks were wet with tears. “What happened?”

Clarke bit the inside of her cheeks, willing for the tears to stop, but they still escaped her eyes, like someone had turned on a faucet and broken off the handle, leaving her unable to stop the water flow.

“Did Bellamy do something?” Raven asked alarmed, abandoning her seat and crossing the short distance to Clarke's, reaching out and placing her hand on her shoulder. But instead of looking up, Clarke bent over, burying her face in her hands, and curled into herself as much as the seat belt allowed. The sobs rocked her body and the more she tried to stop them, the more forceful they became. She hadn't cried like this for a long time, ever, perhaps. She just knew that the hollow feeling was on the brink of overpowering her, dangerously close to dragging her into a pitch-black abyss. Anew, a sob shook her body when suddenly, the grip of Raven's hand on her shoulder increased, anchoring her, pulling her back. She forced herself to take deep breaths, in through her nose and out through her mouth, supplying her brain with the oxygen it so desperately needed, keeping track until she had inhaled and exhaled thirty times. Straightening herself, she let her head fall against the headrest. And Raven asked again, “What happened?”

Clarke couldn't bring herself to look at her, instead she watched as the planet beneath them slowly drew nearer, gray clouds blocking the view of the ground. Clarke tried to think of what she could say, forming answers in her mind, discarding them again and again as nothing felt right. How could she find the right words for something she had even kept secret from herself for the longest time? But in the end, it all came back to one thing.

“I love him, Raven.”

The confession filled the space between them, the words stretching thin and thinner until Clarke thought she might not have said them at all. But then Raven uttered a small sound of surprise, making them real again.

“I didn't know,” Raven whispered as her thumb gently caressed the skin above Clarke's collarbone. She nodded silently, still staring at the clouds before, without warning, a self-deprecating chuckle found its way though her throat.

“Looks like I can never get the timing right,” she mused, wiping a teardrop from the bottom of her chin with the back of her hand. Raven's hand stayed where it was.

“Clarke, I don't...” Raven trailed off. Finally, Clarke tilted her head up, meeting her friend's eyes with a tight lipped smile and a shrug of her shoulders.

“It's fine. I got my heart broken before, I'll survive this time, too.”

Raven stared at her, her mouth hanging open. A beeping sound from the control panel made her peer over alerted before she looked at Clarke again.

“I don't think you know how important you are to him.”

“I do know, Raven. But I won't be _the other girl_ again.”

Clarke knew this was a knockout argument with Raven. And indeed, she dropped their conversation and went back to her seat, busying herself with the controls. Clarke watched her as Raven informed her that they were about to enter the atmosphere and that it would then take them another ten minutes to reach the ground. And sure enough, only minutes later, the transport ship was rattled by the mesosphere, as Raven let Clarke know through gritted teeth, her fingers curled around the edge of the control panel. As soon as the ship stopped shaking, Raven made sure they were still on the right course.

As they descended further, Clarke's heartbeat accelerated. She was grateful that she finally had something else to concentrate on. She had to prepare herself for the task she was about to face, trying to get the facts about their story straight in her head. But as she went over every detail of their cover-up, more and more questions about what would await them down there mixed themselves into her thoughts. It appeared as though the people from Eligius III had a working government, one that determined leadership by something else than an AI and the color of someone's blood, so Clarke hoped that this also meant that there were no senseless disputes between opposing groups. Or at least that occurring disputes were handled in a way that meant people weren't tortured or murdered without second thought.

As they left the gray sheet of clouds behind, a city came into view. Clarke felt her lips part, her eyes wide in amazement. She had only heard about cities like this in school, long forgotten names like New York City and Shanghai echoing through her thoughts. Giant skyscrapers grew into the sky, thousands of tiny lights glistening in the dim afternoon. It was concrete, as far as she could see, in every direction. Only in the far distance could she spot a mountain range, a forest growing at its feet. Almost below them, Clarke saw a vast, free space. Concrete again.

Raven's voice carried over as the requested permission to land and a or two minute later, the transport ship landed on the ground with a heavy thud.

“Sorry. I'm not great with the controls yet,” Raven apologized, but Clarke dismissed it with a wave of her hand. They watched as a group of people walked out of a building at the far end of the landing field, all of them in black suits, and headed for the ship. Clarke unfastened her seat belt and stood up.

“Whatever you do, don't leave this ship until I'm back. Don't let anyone inside. Close the door as soon as I'm outside,” Clarke ordered as she fixed Raven with her gaze, who nodded. She started moving but Raven reached out and stopped her.

“Be safe, okay?”

Clarke returned the touch of their hands with a reassuring squeeze.

“I will.”

With this, she went through the hallway, passing the airlock and coming to a halt in front of the outer door. Taking a shaky breath, she pulled the lever. It hissed as it opened and a gush of cold air engulfed Clarke, causing goosebumps to form on her arms. How could she have forgotten to think of the weather, and not taken her jacket with her? But now it was too late. Exhaling through her parted lips and telling herself _I got this_ , she left the ship and rounded it to meet the group that was now significantly closer.

She wished she had time to take in everything that was surrounding her. Looking up at the sky, she could pretend she was back on Earth. But then she noticed the skyscrapers in the background, the concrete under her feet and the unfamiliar noises in the distance, and her play pretend came to an end. She was overwhelmed, again in the matter of half an hour, but this time, it was from excitement... and anxiety.

Keeping her head high while her heart beat so hard that it almost made her dizzy, she continued walking until she stopped in her tracks in front of the group. Now that they stood before her, she could see that their suits were adorned with a diverse array of pins, the edges of their shoulders embroidered in gold.

“Miss Griffin, good afternoon. I'm General Myers,” the man right in front of her said and extended his hand, which she shook. He had an exceptionally straight nose and blue eyes that seemed slightly too big for his face. Clarke felt extremely underdressed in her time-worn top and her battered boots.

“Good afternoon.”

“Please follow me inside,” the General ordered and extended an arm for her to join his side on the walk back. Clarke surveyed the surrounding men who all watched her closely, before she did as she was told. As they walked back, nobody said a word, the rustling of their suits the only sounds. Inside the building, Clarke was greeted by hard artificial light, causing her to squint until her eyes grew accustomed to it. The walls were painted in a white that seemed several shades _too_ white. They went down one hallway, around a corner and down another before entering a room with a huge table in the middle and at least a dozen chairs around it.

“Please, have a seat, Miss Griffin,” the General offered as the other men started to sit down in the chairs. Clarke couldn't help the suspicion that flowed through her, alerting her to the tiniest details, like the camera right outside the door, the absence of a lock on the door, and how the General watched her every move. She chose to act like she didn't notice. Pulling a chair out from the table, she sat down. The General closed the door and followed suit.

“Miss Griffin, surely you're aware that this is an unprecedented situation for us,” the General began, folding his hands on the table in front of him.

“I am,” Clarke replied curtly. She couldn't help but remember the first conversation she had with Diyoza all those days ago, guarding her actual feelings and motives, only that now, she had to talk and couldn't just pretend she didn't speak their language. So now, Clarke reverted to saying as little as possible.

“They I believe that you will understand our curiosity.”

“I certainly do.”

“So,” the General said before he exchanged glances with the other men in the room. “Please tell us what happened.”

Clarke couldn't help the smirk that sneaked its way onto her face.

“Do you want the short version, or the long one?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this is shorter again, somehow I had trouble writing this because my mind kept wandering off to something that will happen in the next chapter(s) and i had to force myself to write this instead, lol. i hope the writing process of the next chapter will flow smoother again so you, too, can enjoy it soon!


	5. Chapter 5

 

“And that's how the Earth was destroyed the third and final time,” Clarke concluded. The General stared at her, his lips slightly parted in sheer overpowering, as were the other officials around the table. “Two of our people stayed awake and cracked the Eligius III mission files. It might have been unethical, yes, but it was our only shot at survival.”

The General raised an eyebrows as an impressed smile raised the corners of his mouth. His eyes never left Clarke.

“You and your people are resourceful, there's no denying that.” He paused for a moment, before adding, “Our city could use such people.”

A glimmer of hope made Clarke's heart skip a beat. She made sure it wasn't reflecting on her face, though. There was something about the General that made her suspicious, carefully guarding whichever information she shared with him.

“Thank you.”

“Of course, there's the issue about the blood alteration. We only keep a small stock of the serum, for emergencies. This means we can only treat about twenty people right now until our scientists replenish the stock.” Her heart skipped a beat again, anxiously. She should've thought of that as soon as Diyoza had told her about it. A society where everyone's blood was already black wouldn't need an endless supply of the serum.

“I'm grateful for whatever solution we can find,” Clarke said. Because it was true. She didn't care about the prisoners and the majority of Wonkru. So if she could only bring down the people that were most important to her first, leaving the rest in cryosleep for now, then that seemed like a pretty good deal to her.

The General stretched the fingers of his folded hands. “We would need the names of those who get the first procedures to prepare everything.” Clarke squinted her eyes. As the General saw this, he said, “We, as a society, value transparency. Making sure nobody gets lost in the system. It's a necessary step in the process to grant you full citizenship.”

_Citizenship_ . Again, Clarke was reminded of her school lessons, about the endless tales of refugees, trying to escape war, poverty and death, only for their human rights to be trampled on once they reached their destination. She hoped history wouldn't repeat itself this time. It had done that far too often. 

“Okay,” Clarke finally agreed as she thought about everyone up on the ship she'd bring down first. “I agree.”

Someone procured a notepad and a pen out of nowhere, shoving it across the table. Clarke reached for it. The feeling of the metal of the pen, smooth and cold, under her fingertips made her fully realize that this was really happening. And more so, that she was the one calling the shots, deciding who made it down and who not. Making a list. Again. She gulped. 

As she set down the pen on the paper, she hesitated for a moment. Then, she wrote down  _Madi Griffin_ .  _Bellamy Blake. Abby Griffin._ She stared at the three names. One voice in her head warned her that now, the General and the others knew exactly who was most important to her. A second voice reminded her that it was just natural to write down the names of those she cared about the most first. A third voice pointed out that there was no going back now. Inhaling deeply, Clarke put the pen down on the paper again.  _Raven Reyes. John Murphy. Octavia Blake. Nathan Miller._ She paused again. These six people, including herself, were all that was left of The 100. She couldn't believe it. Heavy-heartedly, Clarke continued.  _Jordan Jasper Green. Marcus Kane. Eric Jackson. Miles Ezekiel Shaw. Charmaine Diyoza. Emori. Indra. Gaia. Niylah. Echo._ She set the pen down on the table. She looked at the list for a moment longer, feeling the tiniest bit of guilt at placing Echo at the very end of the list. Then the second voice in her head reminded her that Echo did try to kill her twice. Clarke had to agree. She shoved the notepad over to the General.

“This is everyone for now. Marcus Kane and Gaia were injured, they will need medical attention as soon as possible. And Diyoza...” Clarke hesitated, not sure how much she should reveal. “She is in a special condition.”

The General studied the names on the list, nodding at the new information.

“Our doctors are the best in the whole galaxy,” he said and Clarke realized a moment too late that he had made a joke, and the opportunity to laugh about it had passed. “It won't be a problem.”

“Thank you.” Clarke kind of felt like a broken record. 

“I assume you want your people to come down immediately?” the General asked, leaning forward almost unnoticeable. 

“Preferably, yes.” 

The General smiled. A real smile. It was weird to see it on his face. It was like some mad scientist had stapled the corners of his mouth just a bit too wide apart, revealing too many teeth. Clarke couldn't bear to look at him. 

“I'm glad we were able to come to such a quick agreement. I'll order for the required amount of protective suits to be brought to your ship, so that those on the list can be safely transported to our medical center.”

“Thank you.” _Broken record._

The General didn't seem to notice, or mind, and if he did, he didn't show it. Instead, he stood up, sending one of the other officials to carry out his order, and invited Clarke to join his side again on the walk back. 

“You see, this is a very strange situation for us, Miss Griffin,” he said as they walked along the too white hallways again.

“Oh, I can imagine. It's strange for us too,” she replied. She longed to be outside again, away from these hallways with their artificial light. And soon enough, they passed the doors and were once again encompassed by the cold air. Clarke didn't mind the goosebumps on her arms. 

When they reached the ship, the General extended his hand as a small car drove over the them. Clarke shook his hand as two men in gray jumpsuits left the car and fetched the protective suits from the back before she asked Raven to open the hatch through the intercom. A second later, it hissed open. 

“You can just leave them right by the door,” Clarke said, not wanting anyone of them to wander deeper in. The men nodded, placing them in a pile a few feet from the hatch. 

“How soon can we expect you back?” the General asked, eyeing the inside of the ship out of the corner of his eye. 

“I would say we should be back within an hour,” she replied. She wanted to add _I hope that's enough time for all the preparations_ and _It took us twenty minutes to get down_ but left it at what she had said. 

“Understood. We'll clear you for landing for the next hour. It was a pleasure meeting you, Miss Griffin.”

Clarke wasn't sure he actually meant it, and she wasn't sure if she could return the sentiment either. The first voice in her head urged her to be polite.

“You too, General Myers.”

With this and another handshake, she went inside the ship, closing the hatch manually. She didn't want to wait until she was at the bridge for Raven to shut it. Clarke quickly passed the airlock, making her way to the bridge with long, fast steps. At the sound of the door sliding open, Raven turned around in her chair.

“How'd it go?” she asked, seemingly out of breath, as Clarke came to a halt next to her. 

“I'll tell you on the way.”

 

***

 

“And that's it, we're done,” the doctor, whose patch informed them that her last name was Savchenko, said as she put the last, now empty syringe on the metal tray next to her. Echo rubbed the spot on her arm which the needle had just pierced. “In a minute, it should have spread throughout your body. It is recommended that you wait another ten, though, to be fully protected against the radiation.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” Bellamy said from where he stood next to the chair Echo was sitting on, Clarke watching them from a few feet away. Doctor Savchenko gave him a smile that put dimples in her cheeks before she left the room. Clarke looked around at the others who were done and waiting. Kane and Gaia had already been wheeled off for surgery, but she couldn't forget the look the latter had given her when she had broken the news to them that they all had to become nightbloods in order to survive on the planet. _Blasphemy_ , Gaia had spit at her. _It's nightblood or death_ , Indra hat reminded her daughter. _And I won't let you die._

A knock on the door made her turn around and she saw that it was the General again, with another man by his side who wore an impeccable black suit, his shiny shoes reflecting the light from the ceiling.

“Miss Griffin, this is President Adams,” the General introduced the other man. “Mister President, this is Clarke Griffin.”

The President was several years younger than the General, less lines carved into his skin, which was a few shades darker than the General's. His black hair was gelled back.

“Miss Griffin, it's an honor to finally meet you. I hope you can excuse that we meet only now, I had been in the middle of a very important meeting,” he said as he extended his hand, which Clarke shook.

“Thank you for accepting our plea for refuge, Sir,” Clarke replied. Again, she felt watched by everyone. She wished they didn't.

“What were we supposed to do, leave you stranded in space?” the President replied with a chuckle, but stopped himself a second later. “I'm sorry, this was inappropriate. You just lost your home.” Clarke looked away. The realization that they could never go back, that everything she had known was really, truly gone, made it hard to breathe. The memory of kicking McCreary's head in gave her a sense of satisfaction, though. “That's why I want to welcome you to your new home: New Washington.”

_New Washington_ . The feeling of hope that had started to spread throughout her body several times since she had laid eyes on the new planet was back, stronger than before. 

“I want to express our gratitude, Sir,” Bellamy answered and Clarke saw that he was still by Echo's side when she turned towards his voice, his hand on her shoulder. “We really don't know how to thank you.”

“Thank me by being as resourceful as General Myers told me Miss Griffin made you out to be,” he said with a wink. Bellamy met Clarke's eyes. Something told her he didn't fully trust the President and the General, too. Something else told her that she should stop staring at him.

“We'll try our best, Sir,” Bellamy then replied, focusing on the President again. 

“That's good to hear,” the President said as he smiled before he addressed the whole room. “I got one last thing to add: I invite you to stay as my personal guests at Eligius Tower for a short period of time until we find proper housing for you. I can't begin to comprehend what you have been through, so this is the least I can do.”

Clarke felt her jaw drop. She had no idea what Eligius Tower was, but the combination of _personal guests_ and the offer coming from the President, she believed that it wasn't just a random building on the outskirts of the city.

“Wow, thank you,” it escaped Clarke before she could stop herself. The President chuckled.

“I believe it will be more than adequate. I organized for you to be driven there once the serum is in full effect. Now I must excuse myself. Business awaits.”

He left with a nod, together with the General. Clarke kept staring at the open door, unable to move. She had never thought she could be so overwhelmed, but it was all too much. Not in a bad way, just... too much. She inhaled shakily.

“I can't believe you did it, Clarke,” Raven then broke the silence, her words dissolving the lead in Clarke's muscles, making it able for her to turn around and face her friends. “That was pretty badass.”

“I just did what I had to do,” Clarke said awkwardly and she felt how her cheeks heat up.

“Don't sell yourself short,” Murphy threw it. “If it wasn't for you, this would have been much harder.” He smirked at her.

“Murphy is right, Clarke,” Bellamy's deep voice then filled the room. “You saved us. Again.”

She couldn't bring herself to look at him. She felt like if she did it now, her mouth might develop a mind of its own and just spill all of her feelings, no matter who was around or if it was a good idea to begin with (it wasn't). Instead, her eyes landed on Raven, who wore a sympathetic smile, her eyes darting to Bellamy and back to Clarke.

“Miss Griffin?” an unfamiliar voice called from the door and Clarke turned towards it, grateful that someone interrupted them. One of the men in the gray jumpsuits from earlier stood in the door. “The cars are ready to bring you to Eligius Tower.”

“Thank you.... uhm...”

“Private Hernandez. Please follow me now.”

Clarke glanced around the room, everyone from her list gathered here except two. She saw quite a range of emotions on their faces. From unveiled distrust on Octavia's, to amazed wonder on Madi's, to cautious excitement on Raven's. Clarke wasn't sure which emotion was showing on hers because internally, she was all over the place. Without another word, she turned back around and followed Private Hernandez. It took some time until they had all passed through the decontamination airlock, but soon enough, they entered one of the too white hallways again. She heard the footsteps of the others behind her and just moments later, Madi joined her side and took her hand. Clarke smiled down at her.

“She your daughter?” Private Hernandez asked, smiling down at Madi.

“Uhm...” Clarke started and looked at Madi as well. “You could say so.”

“Mine is six, just started school,” he went on as he looked straight ahead again. Clarke didn't know what to respond to this. The times when going to school and watching old soccer games were her everyday routine seemed like an eternity ago. She realized that Madi had never had such a routine to begin with, and Clarke wondered how she'd adjust to this new life. Knowing Madi, she suspected it'd only take a couple of days.

They went down the seemingly endless hallway, through metal double-doors and down another, shorter hallway, before Private Hernandez opened another door. Right outside of it, three big white cars waited for them. They looked nothing like the Rover. Clarke hadn't thought she would, but she missed it. But right behind the cars, past the chain-link fence that enclosed the compound, skyscrapers rose up, looking like they were almost touching the clouds, their windows reflecting their surroundings, and captured her attention. Clarke tilted her head back, trying to take everything in, but the sheer amount of endless possibilities that she sensed this city held gave her the feeling like her brain would explode. It was exactly like when she had tried to comprehend the size of the universe as a kid.

When the others started to walk past her, filing into the cars one by one, Clarke tore herself away from the view. Still holding Madi's hand, she went over to the first car and got in, buckling up. In the row behind her were Niylah, Miller and Jackson, and next to Madi, Abby filled the last seat. Just moments later, the engine started and the cars set into motion.

Outside the compound, they waited at an intersection, car after car after car passing by. Clarke had never seen so many cars. When the streetlight turned green, their convoy crossed the street and headed straight into the city.

Clarke was reminded of the City of Light. But this was real. There were real people walking down the streets, real cars, real trees, real buildings. No fictional town without pain and stolen memories. Clarke couldn't stop the bright smile from lighting up her face.

“Is this real?” Madi whispered from beside her and she looked over. Madi's eyes were wide, latching onto every moving thing outside the car, not even noticing that Clarke was looking at her.

“Yeah,” Clarke simply whispered back, wondering if the Commanders showed Madi the memory of the City of Light as well. She hoped they didn't.

Not much later, the cars came to a halt in front of the, from what Clarke could tell from her position in the car, tallest building in the city. Their driver got out and opened the door for them, letting them out onto the sidewalk. Immediately, the noises of what felt like a million people chatting and cars driving past was filling the air. The wind was still cold.

“Everyone, follow me inside,” Private Hernandez called and they did as they were told. They went through sleek glass doors and ended up in a large room in monochrome colors. Clarke noticed some of them craning their heads this way and that way, fascinated by the room and its contents. Everything was glistening, shiny metals framing abstract paintings, heavy black leather seats standing in groups around tiny white and silver marble tables, a massive chandelier hanging from the high ceiling. Clarke watched as Private Hernandez walked over and talked to a woman in a white dress, who then handed him a handful of white cards before he joined their group again.

“These are the key cards for your rooms, which are located on floor 69. The room numbers are on the display of your cards,” he said as he handed them out. Clarke took the one he offered her and sure enough, there was a tiny display with a number on it, but a second later it changed to wish her a pleasant stay. “They are twin bed rooms, so for two people. We're leaving it up to you as to who shares the room with whom.”

“How generous,” Clarke could hear Octavia whisper sarcastically from beside her. She hoped Private Hernandez hadn't heard it.

“Additionally, President Adams arranged for a set of fresh clothes to be brought up to your room. You'll find a list to choose from upstairs. I will leave you to it, then,” he added and bid goodbye to them. When he was out of earshot, Murphy said, “Floor 69,” and laughed.

“You are a literal child,” Raven replied, shaking her head in disbelief.

“Oh come on, don't tell me none of you thought about it!” Murphy protested as the rest of them made there way over to the other end of the room, coming to a halt in front of four elevators. Though these doors were much shinier, the metal not tinged, Clarke was strongly reminded of Mount Weather. She flinched.

Shaw pressed the button next to one of them and just moments later, a sound from invisible speakers announced that it had arrived. It was bigger than Clarke had anticipated, so big indeed that they all fit inside comfortably. As they went up, Clarke suddenly thought about the elevator in the tower in Polis, no longer powered by electricity but by manpower. She wondered if those memories would fade away one day.

With another sound, the arrival on their floor was announced. Now, the group split up, pairs finding themselves, leading to weird combinations. Jordan looked like a lost child at her when him and Niylah were the only ones left.

“Take care of him, alright?” Clarke said to Niylah instead, who smiled slightly and Clarke, which then turned into a grin as she looked at Jordan and said, “I don't bite.” Pure horror reflected on Jordan's face.

“I'm just joking,” Niylah added softer and opened the door with their key card after Shaw had showed her how to do it. Jordan followed her reluctantly.

“Poor guy,” Clarke whispered to herself before she opened her own door. As it swung open, the sight before her took her breath away. Opposite the door was a window that reached from floor to ceiling, looking out over the city. Descending in a ship and looking at New Washington was one thing, but this was something else entirely.

Suddenly, Madi stormed past her and pressed her face against the glass of the window, peering outside. Clarke closed the door and joined her.

“Pretty cool, huh?” she asked, running a hand over Madi's hair that was still open.

“Clarke, this is amazing!” Madi exclaimed, looking up at her with bright eyes before she wandered off and inspected every inch of the room, from the beds to the big wardrobe until she reached the bathroom. Seeing Madi cheerfully play with the knobs of the shower, Clarke finally convinced herself to enjoy the moment, too. Snatching the shower head, she soaked Madi, who shrieked as the cold water hit her skin. Clarke didn't stop the laughter that burst out of her. Soon enough, they were both wet from their water fight, lying on the smooth tiles of the bathroom floor, still laughing.

Oh, how she wished that everything in life could be this pleasant.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I wanna thank everyone for reading, and especially those leaving comments! They really mean a lot to me and I'm so much more motivated because of them. I hope you liked this new chapter too!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A word in advance: this chapter deals somewhat with Bellamy and Echo's relationship. I like Becho as little as the next person, but I want to deal with their relationship in a realistic way, so I hope this won't turn anyone away. Just know that this will all pay off in the end.  
> Also apologies for the longer wait, this chapter just wouldn't cooperate with me at all! Again, it's not super long, but I'm better with short chapters. I hope you'll still enjoy it.

 

Bellamy lay in bed that night, wide awake, while Echo was lying next to him, fast asleep. His thoughts wouldn't stop running a hundred miles a minute.

Throughout the day, he had always found something to concentrate on, to not think about that conversation that had happened between Clarke and him. But now, with the impenetrable black of night devouring everything, threatening to creep into him, too, she was all that was on his mind. He couldn't forget her face when she had whispered _But Echo_ , couldn't forget the realization that had hit him afterwards. Not a realization, really, more a reminder of something he had once known, but had decided to forget.

As soon as it had happened, he had tried to push it away, but as soon as he did, something else took its place. Memories from years ago surfaced, Clarke telling him he wasn't a monster and she needed him, Clarke begging him to say he was with them, Clarke running as fast as her feet would carry her to embrace him, Clarke telling him she couldn't lose him like Finn, Clarke leaving him at the gates of Camp Jaha, Clarke begging for his life when Roan was about to kill him, Clarke breaking his heart when she had stayed in Polis, then him forgiving Clarke on the beach on their way to Luna, Clarke defeating A.L.I.E. and him willing to give his life to protect her, Clarke breaking down over Lexa's death and telling her mother she had loved her, Clarke finding comfort in her cheek against his hand on her shoulder, Clarke cutting off his confession before she went to Becca's island, Clarke placing her hand over his heart and telling him to use his head, too, Clarke alive after mourning her for six years, Clarke welcoming him home, Clarke trusting him to protect Madi even after all that time, poisoning Octavia to save Clarke, finding out about Clarke radioing every day for six years... Clarke, Clarke, Clarke.

His head was spinning.

He looked over at Echo, watching her chest rise and fall slowly, as he began to grow restless. Carefully sliding out from under the blanket to make sure he didn't wake her, Bellamy went over to put on his new clothes, plain black jeans, a dark blue t-shirt, a black bomber jacket along with his old boots. He glanced at her one last time before he opened the door quietly.

The hallway was dimly lit so Bellamy didn't immediately see the Private stationed by the elevator. He wore the same gray jumpsuit like Private Hernandez, but the patch on his chest informed Bellamy that his last name was Jameson. Bellamy thought he would ask him where he was going, but he didn't. When he pushed the elevator button, he looked up and down the hallway, intensely aware of Private Jameson next to him. _Why are we being guarded?_

When Bellamy went inside the elevator, he studied the buttons and after a moment he pushed the highest number he could find, 85. Next to it, it said _Rooftop Terrace._ The ride was swift and when the the doors opened, the cold night air hit his skin. He took a deep breath and went outside.

There were groups of tables and chairs scattered all over the terrace, but Bellamy didn't want to sit. He went past them until he could wrap his fingers around the icy metal of the railing, hoping the feeling would ground him. He looked out over the city, taking in the twinkling lights. He could even see people in other buildings when he paid close attention, working or cooking or watching TV. He sighed and dropped his head against the railing.

“Couldn't sleep either?” a voice that sounded vaguely familiar said and Bellamy unbent, startled, and turned around to see who had said it. It was Shaw, walking over to him on his new crutches while the elevator doors just closed behind him. “Sorry, I didn't mean to invade your privacy,” he said and hesitated halfway between Bellamy and the elevator.

“It's fine,” Bellamy replied, shrugging his shoulders, and Shaw joined his side.

“It's beautiful, isn't it?” Shaw asked after he leaned his crutches against the railing and his arms onto it. “It reminds me of Detroit. I wish I could just pretend to be back there, about to head out and drive my Harley... but I can't forget what happened.” Neither of them said anything for a moment, then, “How do you live with what you have done?”

Bellamy looked at Shaw who met his eyes.

“You're asking the wrong person.” Shaw nodded, his mouth drawn together in an understanding half-smile, before he looked at the city again. After a beat, Bellamy added, “But I hope we'll get a chance to make peace with our demons here.”

“Yeah, I hope so too,” Shaw replied without looking away from the city. “You know, I didn't join Eligius IV because I so desperately wanted to monitor prisoners performing forced labor on some asteroid. I didn't follow an agenda, I didn't want to see the prisoners punished like some other people from the crew. I joined because ever since I was a kid, I had been fascinated by space. I wanted to see what was out there. That's it. That's why I helped Diyoza when the Captain wanted to leave the prisoners behind on the asteroid, because I didn't condone that, and I didn't... I didn't want to die.” He paused for a moment and exhaled deeply. “When we set the course to go back to Earth, I expected to find the world we had left, but everything was just... gone.” Bellamy remembered the moment he had first seen the Earth after Praimfaya, so he knew exactly what Shaw meant. Tentatively, he continued, “I will never know how deeply all of you cared about Monty and Harper, but I think they had the right idea. Being the good guys, I mean.”

“It's what we always tried to be,” Bellamy whispered, focusing on the blinking red light of a transmitter tower in the far distance. Again, both of them fell silent for several moments before Shaw spoke again.

“Can I ask you something?”

Bellamy tore himself away from the red light and looked over at Shaw. “Sure.”

Shaw hesitated, running his thumb over the back of his other hand where he clenched them in front of him, his arms still resting on the railing, looking down at the floor, then up and at Bellamy again.

“What do you see in Echo?” Bellamy blinked at him in stunned silence. He hadn't expected anything like this. “It's just... she ratted me out and threatened to kill me, for one. Sure, Raven threatened me too, but it was to get me to escape with them, and even then I knew she would never follow through on that threat. And she tried to kill Clarke when we got Madi from the village. I don't think girlfriends should try to kill their significant other's friends. I don't know, she doesn't really strike me as someone who cares about anything else than saving her own ass.”

Bellamy felt his jaw drop. The image Shaw had just painted of Echo reminded him more of who she had been before Praimfaya, not who she had become on the Ring.

“What?” was all he could utter.

“And I know I probably shouldn't tell you this, but Clarke really cares about you, man. Raven told me how she broke down on the ship when they went down for the negotiations.”

Bellamy blinked at Shaw again.

“Why are you telling me this?”

He shrugged. “I won't tell you what to do, man. But if there's one thing I learned, it's that circumstances change. Priorities change. People change. And this is a chance to start over. So use it.” With this, he picked up his crutches again and left.

Without Shaw there to fill the silence, Bellamy's thoughts grew louder and louder again, the whisper in the back of his head starting to drown out every other thought. Bellamy dropped his head against the railing again.

For six years, he had tried to live with the void that Clarke had left inside him. First, he had let it consume him. Then he had tried to fill it by studying every information the Ark logs held, training with the others, helping Monty or Raven or Emori any chance he got, anything to occupy his mind. Then, he had found his way into Echo's bed, falling into his old way when The 100 had first arrived on the ground. At first, it had been a way to let off steam, working through the hatred he still had for her, but before he had noticed it, it had become something more. Even back that, he had realized that Echo was like a puzzle piece that didn't truly fit, his heart with four blanks, but hers with only three tabs to fill them, leaving an open space. And then, when they had landed on the ground, the moment he had reunited with Clarke, _her_ piece had clicked right back into place. He had ignored it, pretended like nothing had changed, held on to how things had been before because Echo had kept him from going insane more times than he could count and he couldn't just forget that. But now that there was nobody else to save, no more war to fight, he wasn't sure that he could ignore everything that had changed any longer.

But things between him and Clarke had changed too, he reminded himself. They both had different priorities, their balance off. He had longed nothing more than to fall back into the effortless rhythm they've had before Praimfaya, but it hadn't worked, and they both had hurt each other in the process.

Six years was a long time. All of them had changed. Was he really willing to be the cause of more change?

He groaned. He knew his thoughts would only go in circles from here. He lifted his head from the railing, the feeling of the metal still lingering on his skin, and went back and down with the elevator. Private Jameson was still standing in the hallway. Bellamy slid back into the room, eyeing the bed in which Echo lay, and Shaw's words echoed through his head. But now wasn't the time to deal with this. He undressed quietly and when he settled down next to Echo again, she opened her eyes, looking at him sleep-drugged.

“Everything alright?” she mumbled.

“Yeah. Go back to sleep.”

He stared at the ceiling as Echo's breathing evened out again, her hand resting on his chest.

Nothing was alright. And he knew he'd lay awake the whole night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, and thank you to everyone who commented on the previous chapter. You guys are the best!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can notice, updates are already getting slower, mostly bc real life is getting in the way, but also bc i still figure shit out while I write, haha. Hope you enjoy this one!

 

Bellamy awoke with a start. He must've dozed off. Now, it wasn't dark anymore, instead a sliver of sunlight fell into the room through the half opened curtains and painted a golden line across the floor. The sound of water hitting the shower base and wall tiles and skin finally cleared his mind. Immediately, only one concern was on his mind again. Without second thought, he got dressed and went into the hallway where Private Jameson had been relieved by Private Hernandez, who nodded at Bellamy when he saw him leave his room. Bellamy nodded back before he went over and knocked on Raven and Shaw's room. The door stayed closed. With a sigh, he headed over to the elevator and down to the lobby. _It's still early, so Raven might be getting breakfast_ , he thought to himself.

And indeed, when the elevator door opened downstairs, he found her just leaving the breakfast room together with Shaw and he strode over. When she saw him walking towards them, an exciting smile appeared on her face.

“Yo Bellamy, I had the _craziest_ dream! I was being operated on by these –”

“Can I talk to you?” he cut Raven off and she must've heard the urgent tone in his voice, because her smile was replaced by concern immediately.

“Yeah, sure, what's up?”

Bellamy looked at Shaw, who got the hint and excused himself. Bellamy watched him until the elevator doors closed and then looked back at Raven.

“What did Clarke say to you? On the transport ship?”

He hadn't meant to be so blunt, but this question had gnawed at him the rest of the night, and he had no patience left to beat around the bush. Raven knitted her eyebrows.

“How do you know about that?”

He looked at her, then around them, and walked over into a quieter corner of the lobby, Raven following him at his heel. He bit his lip before he took a deep breath. “I talked with Shaw last night.”

Raven's eyes widened before she looked away, abashed. “I... I'm sorry, I can't tell you, Bellamy. This is between Clarke and you.” Bellamy blinked at her, her words not yet processed by his brain. She lifted her eyes from the ground again. “Look, I shouldn't have told Shaw, and he definitely shouldn't have told you, but it is what it is. Just... talk to her?” Raven proposed hopefully, laying her hand on his biceps and giving it a soft squeeze.

He dropped his chin to his chest. “I don't know if I can, Raven.” She huffed scuffingly.

“You've been separated for for _six_ years. One of these days, you gotta talk.”

“I know, but...” he trailed off. _But I'm afraid everything will change when I do_.

“I know,” Raven echoed as she took her hand off his arm and crossed hers before her chest, cocking her head. “I don't know what to tell you, though. If you wanna know, talk to Clarke.”

Their eyes met for a long moment before Bellamy nodded and Raven left, going back to the elevator. As the doors opened, however, Echo stepped outside. Bellamy's stomach turned. Throwing a quick glance around, he found the door to the stairwell. He entered and climbed one, two, three, four levels, taking two steps at a time, before he began to run out of breath. Coming to a halt, he strained his ears, but the stairwell was quiet, no sounds of footsteps audible. He exhaled and leaned against the wall behind him, closing his eyes. _How did I get myself into this mess?_

When his breathing slowed down, Bellamy opened the door to the hallway and called an elevator. If Echo was still downstairs, his best bet to avoid her was to get as far away as possible, and that meant the rooftop terrace. He pushed the button.

The air at the top was warmer than at night, yet still crisp, the suns warming his skin ever so slightly when he made his way over to the railing. He passed the groups of chairs and tables again, but unlike at night, they were occupied by a range of different people now, reading newspapers, drinking coffee, smoking or chatting with others. He paid them no attention.

He grabbed the railing, again. The metal was still cool, but the city looked different in the daylight. Still busy, but less mysterious. Everything was gray concrete and silver metals and reflecting glass, square angles and perfectly straight lines. There wasn't a single cloud in the sky and the distant mountain range peaked through the gaps between the buildings here and there, reminding him that in this world, there was more than just this city. It felt a bit surreal.

And yet again, his mind kept going in circles. He really didn't want it to go there, but every possible _What If_ scenario kept playing out in his head. What if Clarke actually liked him, more than a friend? What if she did and he didn't find the courage to break up with Echo? What if he did? What if Clarke took his hand in hers? What if she leaned close, going up on the tips of her toes to kiss him? What if he felt her warm breath on his lips? What if she kissed him? What if he kissed her back?

But what if she didn't like her more than a friend, and he had read too much into it? What if he broke up with Echo anyway, and he'd be left with two broken relationships? What if he was stuck with Echo forever because he couldn't find it in him to tell her about his true feelings?

He squeezed his eyes shut and exhaled audibly through his nose. He wished he had stopped himself from thinking about those scenarios. Because now, he couldn't stop picturing Clarke's eyes... her hands... her lips...

He didn't know how long he had been standing there, but from how stiff his legs were when he first moved again, he guessed it had been at least half an hour. He stretched his arms over his head, tilting his head this way and that to relax the muscles in his neck. This felt better.

“Uhm, Bellamy?” someone said and he turned around, the heat creeping up the back of his neck, like he had been caught in an illegal act. But it was just Jordan standing before him, wringing his hands insecurely. The heat subsided.

“Yeah?”

“Clarke is looking for you.” And the heat was back.

He kept looking at Jordan, hoping that his face didn't reflect the inner turmoil raging through him, and said as level-headed as he could, “I don't want to talk to her right now.”

He saw Jordan's eyes widen, his lips parting, before he took a few unsteady steps in Bellamy's direction. Bellamy turned back around to look at the city.

“She sounded urgent.”

“I said I can't talk to her right now,” he repeated, his calm voice sounding strange even to his own ears. But he had made a mistake – _don't want to_ and _can't_ weren't the same thing. He groaned internally.

“She mentioned the General and something about a... a city tour?” Jordan said self-consciously. Bellamy looked at the boy – _He's 26, Bellamy, he's not a boy anymore_ – over his shoulder.

“So?”

“I think everyone is supposed to come with.” He shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants. Bellamy sighed and tore himself away from the city view.

“Okay.”

When they arrived back down in the lobby, everyone else was already gathered, a few of them turning around when Bellamy and Jordan arrived. Bellamy avoided both Clarke's and Echo's eyes, staying by Jordan's side at the back. He asked himself how long this would go well.

“Is that all?” Private Hernandez asked and Clarke nodded. “Good, then let's go.”

They all followed him outside where a small bus was waiting for them. But now, Echo waited for him next to the car and he knew he had no other choice but to sit next to her. He tried to conjure up a smile, but he knew it was lacking. Echo didn't seem to notice, though. They sat down in the second row and Bellamy let Echo sit at the window, not really because he wanted her to have the better view, but because he didn't want to be trapped between the window and her.

With a low rumble, the bus came alive and drove off as soon as everyone got settled. Private Hernandez kept telling them about various sights of the city like Eligius Park, the Government Mansion and Excelsior Mall, the biggest shopping center of the city. Bellamy wondered who thought this classified as a sight. As they kept driving, they passed a statue that seemed vaguely familiar.

“And this is a replica of the Lincoln Memorial that stood in Washington D.C. It was built as a reminder for Earth, to not forget where we came from.” Suddenly, it fell into place. Bellamy searched for Octavia and found her on the other side of the aisle, a row behind him in a single seat. He saw the muscles work in her jaw, how she dug her fingers into the fabric of her jeans, and he knew she was trying to hold back tears. He brushed his thumb over the faint scar on his cheek where it had split when she had punched him after Pike had executed Lincoln. _He would have deserved to be here_.

They kept driving. Bellamy stopped listening. He just watched the buildings and cars and people pass by, and only when his eyes got caught on a bright red lettering next to a subway entry that only still read “estion everyth” as workers in grass-green jumpsuits removed the paint from the wall did he realize how impeccably clean this city was. No litter, no graffiti, no dirt or fallen leaves. He slipped back into his trance.

Roughly twenty minutes later, the bus came to a halt in front of the St. Luke Hospital and Bellamy came back to reality.

“What are we doing here?” Bellamy asked Echo quietly as the first ones from the back of the bus began to leave the bus.

“We're visiting Gaia and Kane,” she whispered back. Bellamy followed the others outside. He was glad that Echo wasn't the type for constant public displays of affection so he didn't have to either hold her hand or come up with an excuse not to. When he looked to the entrance of the hospital, he saw Doctor Savchenko walking their way.

“Good morning everyone,” she called as she came to a halt in front of their group. She had her brown hair in a tight bun at the nape of her neck, her glassed looking several shades lighter under the natural sunlight. “Please follow me, I'll bring you to Gaia's and Marcus Kane's rooms.”

Following her, they entered the hospital. It was hectic in here, nurses in turquoise gowns crossing their paths quickly, slowing their group down. He had always hated the antiseptic smell of Ark Station Medical, and he still hated it down here in the hospital.

“Alright, she's right in here,” Doctor Savchenko said a few minutes later and opened the door for them to go inside. However when they entered Gaia's room, they found her fast asleep in her bed.

“We should let her sleep,” Indra said quietly and they retreated, knowing better than to disagree with Gaia's mother.

“Sometimes, sleep is the best medicine,” Doctor Savchenko said when they had left the room and she was guiding them further through the hospital. “But she's doing just fine. She should be out of here in a few days.”

Bellamy saw Madi's relieved sigh at these news and how her hand gripped Clarke's a little less tightly.

One level further up and several more hallways later, they entered the ICU. They came up to a window and on the other side, Kane was lying in a hospital bed, a tube attached to his face to supply him with oxygen. Bellamy didn't quite process that it was actually Kane lying there.

“Marcus Kane is stable for now,” Doctor Savchenko said quietly. “But we needed to keep him in the medically induced coma until his wounds are healed, or else he could easily rupture the stitches.” They all stared through the glass at Kane's motionless form in complete silence. “We can't allow any visitors in yet, but in a day or two, it should be possible.”

“I understand,” Abby said as she laid her hand against the window. Bellamy wondered what it must feel like to love someone so much that being separated from them physically hurt. Then he remembered he already knew.

“I heard that you and Eric Jackson are trained physicians, is that right?” Doctor Savchenko then asked Abby, bringing the attention of most of them back to her. Abby, too, tore herself from the sight before her.

“That's right.”

Doctor Savchenko gave her an understanding smile. “I'd like to offer you both to work here if that's your wish. We would need to assess which field you're best fitted for before you could start, but I am sure you can understand that.”

Bellamy watched the exchange closely. He wasn't sure if it was a smart move from the hospital to recruit Abby and Jackson as new doctors, or a stupid one.

“Thank you, we'll have to think about it,” Abby replied after she exchanged a glance with Jackson.

“That's alright,” Doctor Savchenko. “I would like you to bring you back to the car now. You can visit every day from 0900 hours until 1700 hours.”

Nobody objected and followed her back through the mint-green hallways, downstairs and outside. He fell back into the trance from earlier when they went back with the bus. He didn't know what caused it, only that it made it more bearable to sit next to Echo and pretend everything was fine. He didn't even wait for her when he exited the car and went inside the hotel again when they arrived, making his way over to the elevator.

“Hey, Bellamy?” a soft voice called him and his heart tugged bittersweet. He turned around and Clarke came to a halt in front of him, an uncertain smile playing on her lips. “I wanted to ask you something.”

More heart-tugging.

“Uhm, yeah, what is it?” Just behind Clarke, he could see Echo eyeing them while she waited. Of course she waited.

“Did you see the graffiti too? The red one?” she asked as she leaned a bit closer, her voice low. Instantly, just from being in her proximity, his heart sped up.

“There was no _other_ graffiti. So yeah, I did... _Question Everything_ ,” he whispered back. And, without pause, he added, “And there's a Private stationed on our hallway at all times.”

“Something is going on. I don't like it,” she replied quietly. Her eyebrows were drawn together in concern.

He nodded. “I don't either.”

“Be careful, okay?” she replied and he thought he saw her hand reaching out to grab his, but their skin never connected. He nodded again.

“You too.”

She gave him a tight-lipped smile before she went back over to Madi who was waiting with Emori, Murphy, Niylah and Jordan by the elevator. After a few seconds and on the spur of the moment, he followed Clarke. But before he had crossed even half of the lobby, her and the others had entered the elevator and went on their way up.

“Bellamy!” Echo suddenly called as he kept walking. Then again, angrier, “Bellamy!”

He stuttered to a halt, realizing that he had completely forgotten about her, and turned around. “What?”

“You've been ignoring me the whole day!”

He was lost for words for a moment. “We're not having this conversation here,” he replied, quieting his voice, before he went to the elevator and pushed the button. The cabin had already been on the ground level, so the doors slid open without latency. Echo followed him inside. He could tell she was fuming. The arches of her eyebrows were always raised more when she was. He chewed on the inside of his lip as they waited for the elevator to reach their level, and he continued to do so until they reached their room.

“What's the matter with you today?” Echo asked as soon as the door closed behind them. Bellamy ran a hand through his curls and sighed before he faced her. But before he could say anything, Echo said, “It's about Clarke, am I right?”

“What?” Bellamy asked perplexed.

“I see the way you look at her, you know.”

He blinked at her. He felt caught, but nothing had even happened today.

“We talked about the graffiti both of us saw downtown,” he explained, trying to remain calm despite his heartbeat picking up.

“Well, it sure didn't look like that was all!” Echo retorted, crossing her arms.

“There's something going on here, Clarke feels it too,” he said, mirroring her posture. Too late, he realized the ambiguity of this statement. “I won't just ignore that.”

“Oh come on, now you're gonna tell me you trust her?” Echo mocked him and something inside him snapped.

“I love her, alright?!” it burst out of him and suddenly, everything was frozen. Fuck. Echo stared at him in disbelief. The blood was rushing in his ears. Did he really just say that out loud?

“She left you for _dead_ , Bellamy, or did you forget that?” she spit back. But instead of answering, Bellamy replied slowly, “And you tried to kill her in the village for it.”

Echo's mouth fell open and she continued to stare at him for several more seconds. “How do you know about that?”

Bellamy hated that he knew he had just hit her weak spot, and hated himself even more that deep down, he enjoyed it.

“Shaw told me, and even if he didn't, Raven would have sooner or later. I thought you changed on the Ring, but you're the exact same as before!” he retorted, not caring if the others in the rooms around them could hear them arguing.

“If Clarke had left me for dead in Polis instead of you, surely you would've done the same for me!” Echo said but immediately snapped her mouth shut, knowing that she had crossed a line.

Bellamy could barely contain his anger when he said decidedly, “I would never try to kill Clarke, not for you... or anyone else. You were up on the Ring. You of all people should know I would _never_ , ever do that.”

“She's all kinds of messed up!” Echo replied and Bellamy knew she was clutching at straws, something, anything that would make Clarke unlovable in Bellamy's eyes and thus herself more lovable. Bellamy wouldn't have any of it.

“So am I! So are you! So is every single one of us! We all did things we regret! We all strayed on the wrong path at least once! I doesn't matter what you say, I can't change my feelings!” He breathed heavily, like he had just climbed four levels at top speed like this morning. Yet when he saw the look in Echo's eyes, his breath got caught in his throat. Shit. “Echo... I'm sorry... I...”

“Save your breath. I heard you loud and clear,” she cut him off and without another word turned around and left the room. Bellamy stood rooted to the spot, staring after her, even when the door fell into the lock.

The confession left a bitter taste in his mouth. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. He let himself fall onto the bed and buried his face in the pillow. He had worked for six years to use his head more, but when it became crucial, he wore his heart right on his sleeve again.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the long wait, I had a few not-so-great days which prevented me from writing. I hope this chapter makes up for it, at least a bit.

 

When the pillow threatened to suffocate him, Bellamy pushed himself up and onto his back, staring at the ceiling. _Shit_. He couldn't believe this had just happened.

On one hand, he wanted to go after Echo, clarify what just happened, tell her _I do love you, it's just... different_ , but he knew he didn't truly love her. Not how he loved Clarke, and not how you should love someone you're in a relationship with. He also knew that Echo wouldn't want to hear it, that if he told her this, he'd put the final nail in the coffin that was his and Echo's relationship. He couldn't resent her for that. He was perfectly aware that there was no excuse for his behavior.

On the other hand, he wanted to find Clarke and finally ask her about what happened on the transport ship, but he didn't have the guts to go through with that. Not yet, not right now. The thought that she might shut him down when he opened up, learning that she saw him only as a friend, that her breakdown on the transport ship – and the radio calls – had been strictly platonic, stopped him from going through with it.

Bellamy squeezed his eyes shut until he saw stars before opening them again. The stars still danced across his vision for a moment longer. He began to grow restless again, but he decided to shower first. He hadn't had the chance to do so yesterday or this morning, had just washed his face, and he still felt the 125 year old grime and sweat sticking to his skin. The floor was heated, warming his soles, as he got undressed and turned on the shower. He had never had such a shower: private, the water so warm it fogged up the whole room, standing under the stream as long as he wanted. On the Ark, before he went down to Earth for the first time, they had sometimes gone a whole week without a shower. He shuddered at the memories. Down on Earth, “showers” mostly meant jumping into a stream or dumping a bucket of cold water over his head. And back on the Ring, the water had been rationed again, so while the showers may have been warm and private, they were mostly limited to a few short minutes.

He let the warm water run over his back, soaking up the heat as he washed his hair and body. The water that gathered around the drain was slightly discolored from the dirt that had accumulated on him. He hoped he never had to go another week in his life without a proper shower. When he was done, he dried his skin and hair, slinging a dry towel around his hips, and stepped in front of the bathroom mirror which reflected the city skyline behind him. He looked at his face in the mirror. When had he gotten so much older? He remembered when he had looked at himself in the mirror for the last time before he went onto the dropship, back on the Ark. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

He found what he was looking for before he even truly realized what it was that he had searched for. Bellamy inspected the razor a moment before he looked for the shaving foam in the drawers under the sink. When he found it, he set to work. It was weird since he hadn't shaved in quite some time because his facial hair grew rather slowly, but not much later he was done and his skin smooth and hairless again. He ran his finger across it. _Better._

When he had gotten dressed, he set out for the spot he knew would calm him most. Yet when he exited the elevator onto the rooftop terrace, his eyes latched onto Jordan who sat in a chair off to the far side and looked out over the city. Bellamy changed his path to join him.

He came to a halt next to the group of chairs, but Jordan hadn't noticed him yet, so Bellamy said, “Hey buddy.”

Jordan's head turned around and Bellamy saw how he shrunk into himself at the unexpected arrival.

“Hey,” he replied quietly. Bellamy knitted his eyebrows and sat down in the chair next to Jordan.

“You alright?” Jordan tried to smile, but it faltered almost instantly and he sighed and dropped his chin to his chest. “What's up?” he asked gently and Jordan looked up again. Bellamy could see that he tried to keep his face straight, but he didn't do a very good job at it.

“I just... can't believe I will never see them again,” he whispered and tears began to fill his eyes. Bellamy felt incredibly stupid at once. He had been so occupied with his own thoughts, his own dilemma, that he had completely forgotten how Jordan must be feeling, waking up from cryosleep, his parents gone, meeting over a dozen people after his whole world had been him, his mom and dad for 26 years and then coming down to a new planet after he had spent his whole life inside the metal body of the Eligius IV ship. Bellamy couldn't even begin to understand how he must be feeling. At least when he grew up, he had been part of a society and always knew that his mother could be floated at any moment if the Council found out about Octavia. And even when it had happened, he still had his sister. “I didn't think I'd ever be without them, you know? So every time I hear footsteps coming my way, I turn around and expect to see Mom or Dad, but I... never do.”

“I lost my mom too, you know,” Bellamy replied quietly. “I don't know if Monty and Harper told you about the One Child Policy on the Ark, but my mom broke it and she... well, she got floated for it.”

Jordan's eyes widened. “That's horrible.” Bellamy shrugged his shoulders.

“It wasn't easy, but it was a long time ago. I made my peace with it.”

“So it gets easier?” Jordan asked and Bellamy could see that his tears were threatening to spill.

“Eventually,” he murmured and reached out to lay his hand on Jordan's back, rubbing soothing circles across it. Jordan looked out over the city again, blinking rapidly to get rid of the tears. When he looked back at Bellamy, he said, “I knew I'd lose them eventually, but I never thought... wait,” he interrupted himself and pointed at Bellamy. “You look different.”

Bellamy's hand automatically snapped to his jawline. It was weird not feeling his beard there anymore.

“Yeah, I... I needed some change.”

“Why, what happened?” Jordan asked. He was very observant, Bellamy had to give him that. He bit his lip.

“I... uh... I guess I just broke up with my girlfriend,” he confessed and Jordan's eyes grew wide.

“You broke up with Clarke?!” Jordan exclaimed and Bellamy's heart skipped a beat.

“Clarke? What? No,” Bellamy replied as his heart skipped a beat. “Echo.”

Jordan eyes grew even bigger, if that was even possible. “Wait, Clarke and you are not together? But I... then... wait... why did Mom and Dad wanted the two of you to wake up first?” Bellamy groaned and put his face in his hands. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No!” Bellamy quickly stopped him as he looked up again. “No, you didn't, Jordan. It's just... it's complicated.” Jordan made a little _Oh_ sound. Suddenly, a memory struck Bellamy and wouldn't allow any other thought to occupy his mind. “I'm sorry, I shouldn't bother you with this. You don't know where Octavia is, by any chance?”

Jordan shook his head so Bellamy made his way back downstairs again and, back on their level, knocked on the door to the room he remembered Octavia shared with Indra. A few moments later, it was pulled open by Indra.

“Yes?”

“Is Octavia here?” Bellamy asked breathlessly. He didn't know why his body was acting that way, but he has the suspicion it was because of the anticipation of talking to his sister.

“No,” Indra replied slowly. “She is at the memorial.”

The memorial. He should've thought of that himself. “Thank you.”

Indra nodded once and closed the door again as Bellamy walked over to the Private by the elevator. It was yet a different one.

“Excuse me, how do I get to the Lincoln Memorial?” he asked politely.

“Your key card additionally acts as a ticket for the subway. The entrance to the station is right outside the building on the other side of the street. You take Line 3 on platform B. Lincoln Memorial is also the name of your station.”

Bellamy thanked her before he took the elevator downstairs and went outside to find his way to the memorial. As he descended the stairs to the platform, he became intensely aware that this was his first time alone outside, and quite frankly, the bustle around him was overwhelming.

Down here, it was even colder. He slung his arms around him. _I should've brought my jacket_.

Line 3 was arriving in a minute and he eyes the tracks in front of the platform. He remembered that he had heard about subways and trains in class and that he had stumbled across similar tracks once while hunting with some of the delinquents, but he never thought he'd actually get to ride in a subway or train one day. Then, with a low humming noise, the subway car arrived and Bellamy went inside, following those around him who held their tickets against a scanner next to the door. The car was already packed, so he simply grabbed onto one of the metal rails to steady himself as the subway train began to move. Bellamy listened as the stations were announced by a neutral female voice over the speakers and exited when Lincoln Memorial came up.

Here, there were significantly less people so could climb the stairs without having to push past other people every other step. When he reached the end and stepped onto the sidewalk, he was immediately faced with the memorial park, meticulously trimmed hedges enclosing the square with the statue in the background. Bellamy entered the park and started looking for his sister. After several minutes of searching, he found her and he walked over.

Bellamy stopped a handful of meters behind the bench Octavia was sitting on, her back to him and the memorial rising into the sky behind her. The stone was a clean, brilliant white and Bellamy knew that if the clouds wouldn't block out the suns, their light would reflect off of the stone. Cautiously, he made his way towards the bench and sat down next to Octavia.

“He would have deserved to be here,” he said in a low voice, echoing his thought of when he had first seen the statue, and he knew what pain he might cause his sister with these words. But he couldn't go his whole life without talking about Lincoln out of fear what it might do to Octavia.

“You don't get to talk about him,” Octavia hissed back, not taking her eyes off of the memorial. Bellamy sighed. How predictable she was.

“I won't let you resent me for the rest of our lives. If you want me to love you, truly, like you want me to, you have to forgive me, and stop blaming me for _your_ mistakes,” he replied and finally, she tore her eyes away from the statue and looked at him. Her face was blank, her eyebrows unmoving. “I don't know how you became the person you are today, but I know that my sister, that _O_ , is still in there somewhere.”

“O is dead,” Octavia answered and looked at the statue again.

“I don't believe that.” He reached out for her hand and saw that she dug her finger into her thighs again. Gently, he pried them away and held her hand in his. “I get if you don't want to talk about it right now, or tomorrow or the day after that, but I want to know what happened. I want us to go back to how we were before. But you have to want it too, and work for it.”

“How can we go back when you tried to kill me?” Octavia said slowly and looked at him again. Bellamy sucked his bottom lip between his teeth. It was her who had put him in the fighting pit, not the other way around. He chose to keep that to himself, for now.

“I never tried to _kill_ you. I just...” His stomach turned. This was exactly what he came here for, but he hadn't planned for it to come up this quickly. “I tried to save Clarke.”

“Ahh,” Octavia said, raising one eyebrow.

He could continue talking about forgiveness, or change the conversation to the topic that had kept him awake last night. He contemplated for a moment, and then said, “You said something to me that day.”

“Pleading for the life of a traitor who you love,” Octavia repeated her own words, the ghost of a smirk lifting one corner of her mouth. “You didn't deny it.”

“How long have you known?” he asked, anxiety shooting through his veins, causing sweat to bead on his skin. Octavia squinted her eyes slightly.

“You were always so soft around her, it was so obvious. To me, at least. I saw your smile when she hugged you after the dropship battle. I saw how you protected her, time and time again, how you were willing to risk your life to save hers. At some point, so I thought, you'd figure it out yourself. But then Gina happened, and then... Echo,” she said the name with her nose crinkled in disgust. “And then Clarke left you to die.” Silence stretched between them as Bellamy tried to take in what Octavia had just said. “I just wonder why you bring all that up now.”

Bellamy gulped. “I broke up with Echo.”

“Thank fucking God,” Octavia replied but tilted her head in confusion the next second. “Why? Wait, you found out that she's a backstabbing bitch. That's it, right?”

A bead of sweat ran down his back. He knitted his eyebrows in discomfort and muttered, “Something like that.”

Octavia chuckled smugly and crossed her arms in front of her chest, looking back at the statue for a moment. “About time.”

“Octavia, please.” He couldn't just brush aside the years he had spent with Echo, and trying to paint a clear picture of her right now was both painful and complicated.

“So what about Clarke?” Octavia asked, and her tone was softer. When Bellamy met her eyes, he could catch a glimpse of the girl his sister had been before Lincoln's death.

“I don't know,” he replied truthfully and looked down at his hands in his lap. “I haven't talked to her yet.”

Octavia exhaled slowly before she untangled her arms. “How did this conversation go from you asking me to forgive you to us talking about your feelings for Clarke?” Bellamy couldn't help the chuckle that escaped him, but it felt wrong. “I don't know when, or even if I can forgive you for poisoning me, big brother. For Lincoln. For siding with Pike. But if you can forgive Clarke for leaving you in Polis, if you still love her after that, you have to tell her. She could be dead tomorrow.”

The weight of the truth of that statement made his stomach sink. Octavia stared at him, he felt it, but he couldn't bring himself to look away from his hands yet. He knew he had to talk to Clarke. There was nothing else to say about this matter, because everything Octavia could say, he'd already know.

“I really wish Lincoln could be here with us, you know that, right?” Bellamy said quietly instead. He turned his head to look at his sister and saw her nod, her head turned towards the statue now. Again, the muscles in her jaw were working. A gust of wind blew her hair into her face and caused goosebumps to form on his arms. Somehow, he knew this conversation was over.

“Are you coming back to the hotel with me?”

She shook her head, still staring at the memorial. “Not yet.”

Bellamy nodded to himself and got up, looking down at his sister. He wanted to say something like _Don't be out too late_ or _Be careful_ , but he knew she would be annoyed if he said either of these, so instead, he said, “See you later.”

Lingering for another few seconds, he looked at her one last time before he left her, sitting on the bench like he had found her, and made his way back to the subway station. Again, his line was only a minute away. Again, it approached with a humming sound.

The subway train came to a halt in front of him and he went over to one of the door, and in the last moment before it opened, he saw a sticker adhered to it.

_We see you_ .

 

 


	9. PSA: Update

Sorry guys, as it seems my laptop died on me (after having it for only 10 months), which also means that everything I had for the next chapter so far is also gone. I'll try and remember as much as I can & also try to continue writing in the old fashioned way, but I think that until my laptop gets HOPEFULLY fixed, there won't be any new update.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, it's been some time. But I'm back! I just got back into writing, so I thought I'd post at least a teeny tiny chapter just so that you get some new content that you've been waiting for so long. I hope you'll enjoy it.

“You really think it's a good idea to for you and Jackson to work at the hospital?” Clarke asked her mother over breakfast the next morning. They sat in the hotel's breakfast room and Clarke ate some kind of savory breakfast stew, reminding her of a stew her and the delinquents tried to cook back when they had landed. “I mean, this is only our third day down here.”

Abby's fork stopped in mid-air before her mouth, the scrambled egg she had shoved onto it starting to slip off slightly.

“If I don't work, I'll go insane, Clarke. And like this, we can keep and eye on Gaia and Marcus and I... can get the proper treatment.”

Clarke gave her mother a bittersweet smile. The memory of finding her, passed out, and having to pump her stomach was still very vivid.

“I don't know. I don't trust the peace,” Clarke confessed under her breath. Abby put down her fork and laid her hand onto Clarke's across the table.

“These past years must have been hard on you, all alone,” she replied and paused for a moment, her eyebrows drawn together. “They have been, for all of us. I just... I want a normal life again, and I think that's how I get that.”

Clarke could understand just fine why her mother wanted to work at the hospital. She got that. But something about New Washington and the people in this city rubbed her in the wrong way. The fact that she wasn't alone with this feeling, that Bellamy had picked up on it too, gave her some sense of relief. At least she wasn't going crazy.

“Alright,” Clarke gave in with a sigh, knowing that even if she disagreed, it was her mother's decision after all. “I just want you to be safe.”

“I know,” Abby replied and squeezed her daughter's hand before returning to eat her scrambled eggs. Clarke watched her a moment longer when her attention was drawn to Madi who ran through the breakfast room at full speed towards their table.

“Clarke, Clarke! You won't believe it!” she exclaimed excitedly and bounced on the balls of her feet. Behind her, Private Jameson was following more slowly, his hands behind his back. Clarke eyed him for a second before she focused on Madi again who could barely contain her excitement.

“What is it?”

Madi bounced some more as she replied, “They said I can go to school here!”

Clarke's stomach sank ever so slightly. “School? They?”

“Yeah, Alexander told me! Can I go, Clarke? Please!” Madi babbled on and it took Clarke a moment to put two and two together and realize that _Alexander_ had to be Private Jameson, who now came to a halt next to Madi. Clarke exchanged a glance with her mother who looked half suspicious, half intrigued.

Turning towards the Private, Clarke said, “Where is this offer coming from?”

Private Jameson didn't miss a beat. “From the General, in consultation with President Adams. We understand that for a girl her age in our society, a formal education is inalienable.”

Clarke squinted her eyes at the Private, just for a split second, before plastering a smile on her face. “I'll have to think about that.”

“But Clarke!” Madi protested, but Clarke shushed her with a side glance and a shake of her head. Then she looked at the Private again.

“We're all still under a lot of stress, I'm sure you understand. I want to avoid making hasty decisions.” She held his stare. She could see that he hadn't expected for the offer to be turned down, how it made him nervous. _Good._

“Certainly. I just want to remind you that –”

“A formal education is inalienable? That you as a society value transparency? I remember,” she cut him off. He fidgeted some more.

“Just... let us know once you made a decision,” Private Jameson said, Clarke nodded, and he left. When she turned back towards her mother and Madi, who still stood beside the table, she was met with their wide, disbelieving eyes.

“Clarke! The commanders think it's a good idea for me to go to school and learn more about this place,” Madi protested once more, her brows furrowed. Clarke sighed, exhausted.

“I bet they do, natblida. But we've got to be careful. I can't protect you while you're in school,” she explained, suddenly not hungry anymore.

“We're not at war anymore, Clarke,” her mother threw in just as Madi said, “You can't lock me up,” causing Clarke to sigh once more.

“I know.” Then, slower and quieter, dropping her gaze, “I know.”

***

 

Raven watched Clarke and her mother out of the corner of her eye, repeatedly dipping her spoon into her oatmeal. Her hip hurt.

“Shouldn't we say something? Anything?” Emori asked and brought Raven's attention back to what they had just talked about.

“No,” she said firmly, putting down her spoon. The oatmeal hadn't tasted good anyway. When all three of them – Emori, Murphy and Shaw – stared at her, she added, “Look, Bellamy only broke up with Echo yesterday. I'm not even sure Clarke knows yet. We should give it a few days.” Next to her, Shaw nodded. Murphy pursed his lips mischievously as he looked over at Clarke.

“John...” Emori warned him, her voice low and gravely. His eyes snapped back to her.

“What?! I didn't say anything!” he protested, which earned him a judgmental head-tilt from Emori. Raven watched the exchange in quiet amusement. It had been too long since the two of them had interacted without wanted to jump down the other's throat.

“Why do you guys wanna get involved anyway?” Shaw asked after a beat. His plate was still laden with scrambled egg and several slices of toast, but nothing to put on them. Raven felt Emori's gaze on her, but she didn't look over at her friend; instead, she turned towards Shaw again. He raised his eyebrows. “They got history together, right?”

“Not the kind you're thinking of, no,” Raven replied. “It's a long, and I mean _a looong_ story. I'll tell you about it another time. But looking back, after all this time, it's like... something always brings them back together. No matter what happens, they always find their way back to one another.”

Shaw held Raven's gaze, nodding just the tiniest bit. Raven wondered if he actually _got_ what she meant, who this might remind him of, who he knew before all this happened who always found their way back to each other. His parents? Grandparents, maybe? Himself?

“Like us, huh?” Murphy threw in and Raven turned towards him, rolling her eyes and saw that he rested his chin on his interlaced fingers, fluttering his eyelashes at Emori.

“Way to ruin the moment, dickhead,” Raven said as Emori shoved his face away with her hand. Raven saw that she couldn't quite hide the smile that Murphy had caused. Murphy had seen it, too.

A movement in the corner of her vision caught Raven's attention and she saw that it was Madi and Private Jameson who had joined Clarke and Abby at their table. She kept watching Clarke, saw how she plastered a fake smile on her face as she talked with the Private, and remembered the moment on the transport ship when Clarke had broken down because of Bellamy.

 _At least now you don't need to worry about being the other girl anymore, Clarke_ , Raven thought and ate another spoonful of her oatmeal. _You deserve happiness._

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

Clarke didn't know what to do with herself. Her mother and Jackson were now actually working in the hospital, for several days already, and she had agreed to let Madi go to school. She kept wondering when she had last lived a normal life like this, without daily fights and conflicts. Probably before she had been locked up in solitary. She didn't know what _normal_ meant anymore. At least not New Washington Normal.

And now, ever since Bellamy had shaved his beard off and looked exactly like he did before Praimfaya had hit, she couldn't stop thinking about him. She hated it. She hated how every time she fell asleep, she wished it would be in his arms, and every time she woke up, she had to remind herself that it was Echo, and not herself, who had spent the night next to him. It made her sad, more than anything else. She still remembered how jealous she had been of Echo when she had first found out, in the desert when she had watched them kiss. Maybe part of her still was, she supposed, but she had promised herself that she wouldn't interfere. Because she wanted Bellamy to be happy, even if that meant happy equaled Echo, and sacrificing her own happiness.

She couldn't even trust herself around Bellamy anymore, longing so much to tell him how she felt, to feel his skin against hers, so instead, she went outside every chance she got, riding the subway, getting off at random stops, exploring the city for hours on end, giving herself as few chances as possible to run into him. She wandered through parks and shopping centers, grateful for any and all distraction. She took off her boots and dangled her feet from a short deck into the icy water of a small lake in Eligius Park, sat on a bench on the sidewalk and watched other people make their way through the city streets, entered clothing stores in Excelsior Mall and tried on whichever clothes she liked just for the hell of it. She found a library and got lost in the thousands of thousands of stories, the sensation of holding a real book and not just a tablet, how it had been on the Ark, in her hands giving her at least some kind of joy. This made her forget about Bellamy at least for a short time, unburdening her heart for a minute, an hour, an afternoon. But each evening when she came back to the hotel, her heart weighed her down more heavily. She knew that others noticed, how Raven could spot her fake smiles, how Madi stopped asking what's wrong because she never answered truthfully anyway, how she avoided looking at Bellamy if they met in the hallways, feeling his eyes on her when she walked away. She knew perfectly well that she couldn't go on like this forever, but for the time being, it was better to bury her feelings, avoid dealing with any of it, than risking to threaten Bellamy's and Echo's relationship. At least her daily explorations made her so tired that after taking a shower and falling into bed, it didn't take her more than five minutes to fall asleep, even more limiting the possibilities to think about Bellamy.

 

“ _Bellamy,” Clarke whispered, her breath getting caught on his lips. He was so close. Her heart beat rapidly._

“ _I love you, you know that, right?” Bellamy asked and curled his fingertips around the back of her neck, holding her close. She felt his heartbeat where her hands rested on his chest._

_His eyes fluttered close and he leaned forward, crossing the little distance that was left between them in a quick motion, and their lips connected. Soft, soft, so endlessly soft. Clarke couldn't help how she grabbed fistfuls of his shirt, pulling him flush against herself._

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you _, her mind kept running on repeat as Bellamy's hands moved to the sides of her hips, one arm sliding around the small of her back, his lips never leaving hers. Only now they_ did _, traveling down the side of her face to her earlobe, his hot breath sending goosebumps down her arms. Down to her neck, peppering kisses all along, his tongue flicking out between his lips and wetting her skin. A shiver ran down her spine, and Clarke buried one of her hands in Bellamy's hair. She could feel his eyelashes brushing against the skin of the curve of her neck. She didn't want to, couldn't, didn't stop the moan that escaped her._

 

Clarke woke with a start. The light of day fell through the curtain that Madi seemed to have opened halfway already, no sight of her in the room anymore. Clarke's heart was still beating hard in her chest and it took a minute or two to slow down while she stared at the ceiling, the fingertips of her left hand brushing across her lips absentmindedly. The sensation of Bellamy's lips on hers was still fresh, so, _so_ , real, causing her skin to tingle where Dream Bellamy had kissed her. Clarke closed her eyes, allowing herself to get lost in the moment, just for once, just for a short while. _I am allowed to do this_ , she told herself. _I am allowed to make myself feel good._ Her hand wandered down her body as Dream Bellamy's lips did too, coming to a rest between her legs, warmth slowly starting to spread throughout her body as she moved her fingers rhythmically. She bit her lip. Dream Bellamy had one arm wrapped around her leg, his hand outstretched towards her breasts. A jerk shot along her spine as she hit the right spot, again and again and again. Clarke sighed. Dream Bellamy's hot breath washed across her skin; Dream Clarke entangled her fingers in his curls. Again and again and again and again and again. Her back arched as her breath faltered as the wave of dopamine, endorphin and oxytocin washed over her.

“Fuck,” Clarke whispered, not able to move just yet. She felt the sweat on her forehead and wiped it away with her right hand, then wiping it on the blanket. She thought she'd feel good after this, but guilt seeped into the high. How was she supposed to look Bellamy in the eyes _now_? She exhaled audibly.

Three knocks on the door broke the silence. Clarke propped herself up on her elbows hurriedly.

“One moment!” she shouted as she hastily put on her pants and her new hoodie over her sleeping clothes before she answered the door. It was Private Hernandez.

“Good morning Miss Griffin. I am to inform you that the General and President Adams have set up a meeting this morning to tell you about changes in your accommodation. You're expected in Conference Room 2 at 1000 hours.”

Clarke threw a glance at the clock on the bedside table which read 9:27.

“I'll be there.”

“Good. Have a happy _Dies Ventus_ , Miss Griffin,” Private Hernandez replied with a small smile.

“You... too?” Clarke said uncertain, wondering what the hell Dies Ventus was. But Private Hernandez just nodded before he went over to the next door. Clarke closed hers and leaned against it. She wondered what this _change in accommodation_ entailed. She took a deep breath and headed over to the bathroom to take a quick shower before heading downstairs to the conference room.

When she entered, half of her group was already there, including Diyoza, Shaw, Raven and Jordan. Clarke sat down next to Jordan.

“Hey,” she greeted him in a low voice.

“Hi Clarke,” he replied, his eyes shining, before he babbled away, “Where do you think we'll move? I hope it'll be a huge house where we can all live together! Or maybe we'll all have our own apartments and can visit each other whenever we want!”

Clarke smiled besides herself. She really, truly, wasn't excited about moving. It meant a new location when she had only just begun to figure out how things worked around here, had memorized when the Privates' changed shifts, had realized that in every hallway there were at least two security cameras as well as in the elevators, hadn't had time to even think about a change of scenery.

As Jordan kept chattering about what he thought their new accommodation might be like, the rest of their group filed into the room. When Bellamy took a seat at the other end of the table across from Echo, Clarke knitted her eyebrows. _Did they fight?_

“Good morning everyone!” President Adams greeted them as he walked into the door mere seconds after the last of them (Niylah) sat down, a bright smile on his face. At least it didn't look as creepy as the General's smile, who was entering the room just behind the President, but didn't flash a toothy grin. The two of them walked to the front of the room, making no move to sit down. Then he continued, cheerfully, “I assume Private Hernandez told all of you why you're here. It took us some days to find something, and normally, we wouldn't do this, but it's _Dies Ventus_. Landing Day. And I was feeling festive and generous. And what better was to demonstrate that generosity than offering you a house in on of our best neighborhoods, Evergreen View, a house in which all of you can live together.”

Clarke couldn't believe her ears. But judging by the excited looks on the others' faces (short of Octavia and Indra), she had heard right. Yet when her eyes landed on Bellamy, she saw that he, like her, had his eyebrows knitted. She quickly looked away again because her heart started to thump against her rib cage like a maniac, pumping blood into her cheeks.

“This generous offer is not without some expectations from our side, of course,” the General then continued, the fingers of his hands entwined in front of him and his eyebrows raised. Clarke disliked his body language immensely. “We expect that all of you who are of employable age apply for jobs as soon as possible, so that you will be able to support yourself.”

He left the statement hanging in the air even though Clarke was sure there was more to it. What if they didn't find jobs? Were they just gonna cut them off? But nobody spoke up to ask this, and Clarke didn't want to be the only one who mistrusted the peace, so she kept her mouth shut. The General smiled.

“Of course we will be of assistance if you have any questions or troubles finding jobs. Private Hernandez will be available for you for any inquiries, if need be,” the President added.

“There's just one last thing to do before you can move to Evergreen View,” the General followed, the smile vanished again. He procured a small, black device from inside his suit jacket and after pressing onto the screen a few times, a blue grid appeared on it. He held the device out to Niylah, who sat the closest to him, and she took it hesitantly. “The houses in Evergreen View, as in many other parts of our city, are equipped with fingerprint identification security mechanisms, meaning that to lock and unlock the entrance doors, you will need nothing more than your own thumb.”

Clarke's stomach sank. The General was good at making ominous things sound perfectly normal, safe, even favorable, but Clarke wasn't deceived by this. What more would they want as time went on? Their DNA? She saw that Niylah pressed her right thumb onto the screen, a small beep signaling that the scanning process was done. The she held it out to Octavia who was sitting next to her, who eyed the device disdainfully for a moment before eventually taking it, putting her own thumb on the screen. What else were they supposed to do, after all? The device went around the table until it reached Clarke, who took it from Shaw sitting next to her, and saw that at the very top of the screen, her name was displayed in sleek, blue letters. What if she used her pinky instead of her thumb? What if she took Shaw's hand and used his left thumb? But all eyes were on her, and so she realized that she had no other choice but to use her own thumb. With a deep inhale, she pressed her left thumb onto the screen. _Beep_. Scan Complete, the screen read, before switching off as Clarke had been the last to scan her fingerprint. She handed the device to President Adams.

With this, Private Hernandez walked up to the front of the room to join President Adams and General Myers and said: “We're ready to escort you to your new home now. Please pack your belongings and meet me in the lobby when you're done.”

*

“Wow,” Madi boomed when she had jumped out of the bus and stood in front of a large, wooden house standing on a sloping property. Clarke eyed it, uneasy, as she came to a halt next to Madi.

“I'll be at the front entrance, if you need me,” Private Hernandez said before he went back inside the bus and drove off, leaving the group standing in front of the lot.

“What are we waiting for? Let's go!” Emori said and pulled Murphy forward by the sleeve of his jacket, the cool autumn air blowing hair into her face. He followed her with an easy grin.

“Clarke?” Madi called. She was already running towards the entrance, looking back at her over her shoulder. Clarke motioned for her to go on without her, which Madi did without hesitation. One after one, she watched as everyone else filed inside as she remained rooted to the spot. She looked down at her boots.

Suddenly, someone reached out for her, their hand brushing over the sturdy material of her jacket sleeve. She immediately recognized it by the freckles. Her heart skipped a beat.

“You alright?” Bellamy asked softly and Clarke sucked the inside of her bottom lip between her teeth, forcing her eyebrows to stay still.

“Yeah,” she replied without looking at him because she knew, she _felt_ , he was standing too close for comfort. Clarke wished she was free to enjoy his presence, to reach out and relish the contact of their skin, however small it may be, but she knew it'd be selfish, and immoral. She balled her hands into fists, took a deep breath and gave him a half-smile, finally meeting his eye. “We better get inside, right?”

But she left without waiting for him to join her, and she could feel how he kept watching her as she walked up to the house and entered it. When she passed the threshold, she saw the others walking around what was unmistakably the living room, _ohhing_ and _aahing_ at the wonder of it all. Clarke leaned against the hallway wall, watching her friends explore the house, wandering into rooms and inspecting the various electrical devices. Jordan was planted on the sofa, Madi next to him, and they switched through the TV channels with their eyes glued to the screen.

Suddenly, Bellamy passed her, hesitating for the tiniest moment while he was still in earshot, but then he continued. Clarke watched him out of the corner of her eyes as he took the stairs to the lower level.

“Is it something you want to talk about?” her mother said out of the blue, catching Clarke off-guard. She looked over at her mother who had joined her side with wide eyes, but Abby only tilted her head. “I see what you're doing. You had the same look in your eyes like after Lexa died.”

Clarke chewed on the inside of her cheek and looked down at her feet as she shook her head no, not even bothering to deny the second part. She and her mom weren't the closest, but her mother was one of the few who could see right through her. So now, Abby just put her hand on Clarke's back as the excited shrieks and yells from the others echoed throughout the house.

“Guys, you have to see this!” Raven called as she climbed the stairs excitedly (yet rather awkwardly because of her brace), the biggest smile on her face. Clarke's heart tugged at the sight of her best friend so happy, and so she pushed herself away from the wall and followed Raven downstairs, around the base of the stairs and... then she stood in front of a room with a fully fledged indoor pool. Raven looked at her with big, bright eyes, the smile still in place, as Clarke felt herself being infected with excitement, too. More so as Jordan and Madi ran past them, inside the room, and began to strip down to their underwear to jump inside, joining Murphy, Emori, Echo, Jackson and Miller who were already playing in the water.

“Come on,” Raven said and took Clarke's hand, pulling her inside the room, but when they passed the door Clarke froze, her eyes wide in shock.

At the very back of the room, which Clarke hadn't been able to see from where she had been standing before, Bellamy was sitting in one of the pool chairs, not having yet joined the others in the water, but stripped down to his boxer shorts nonetheless. Clarke gulped, hard.

It had never occurred to her that she hadn't seen him topless, let alone stripped down to his underwear, before, ever. But now that she saw him like that, her stomach turned as her heart tugged in a way Clarke didn't appreciate, yet she couldn't stop looking. She had never thought about how his shoulders would transition into his neck, his collarbones, how his pecks looked underneath shirts that hung loosely on them, how his abs formed a line on either side of his abdomen, about the happy trail leading from his navel down to the band of his shorts...

Clarke tore her eyes away with a shake of her head. Fuck. She was so much further gone that she had thought.

Only now did she realize that Raven had already joined the others in the water, her brace laying abandoned on the nearest chair. On the one hand, Clarke wanted to join the others in the pool, but on the other hand she'd have to take off her clothes for that and the thought of doing that in front of Bellamy made her decide against it. Instead, she sat down on the chair next to the one Raven's brace was laying on, and watched her friends having fun in the water. She laughed when Madi attempted to push Jordan under water, only for him to put her over his shoulder and dump her head-first into the water. She smiled as Jackson and Miller shared a kiss after their water fight and cheered Raven (sitting on Echo's shoulders) on as she fought against Emori (who sat on Murphy's shoulders). It was only when Murphy exited the pool that she realized she had completely forgotten about Bellamy, at least for a short period of time.

“Why don't you join us?” Murphy asked as he took a towel from a stack on a nearby shelf and dried his hair. Clarke looked up at him and shook her shoulders before lowering her eyes and staring at her knees. To her surprise, Murphy squatted down next to her, and then asked quietly, “Why do you torture yourself?”

Clarke looked at him with wide eyes. “What?”

Murphy gave her a guilty smile and raised his shoulders. “Raven told us.”

“Us?!” Clarke retorted almost too loud, snapping her mouth shut. She stared at Murphy as her heart sank.

“Emori, Shaw and me. Just us. But anyone who's got eyes can see that you're hopelessly in love with him.” He dripped water all over the floor, his hair standing up in wet spikes in every direction. Clarke could see Bellamy still sitting in his chair over Murphy's shoulder, but she didn't openly look at him. She dropped her eyes to her knees again and saw that she was digging her fingernails into the skin there. She stopped and put her hands over the reddened, angry skin.

“So what if I am? He's with Echo,” Clarke simply stated. Saying it almost didn't hurt anymore. Almost.

“He's not.”

Clarke looked up again, her heart skipping a beat. Several beats. “What?”

“He's not, Clarke,” Murphy repeated, fixing her with his stare. “They broke up like, three days ago. But we didn't wanna say anything just then, we thought maybe you'd notice yourself.”

Suddenly, the pieces fell into place. That's why Bellamy seemed different. That's why him and Echo hadn't been sitting next to each other in the conference room. Clarke looked over at Bellamy and for the tiniest moment, their eyes met before he looked away again.

“Why are you telling me this _now_?” Clarke asked as she looked at Murphy.

“Why not?” he asked in return, his eyebrows raised. Clarke opened her mouth to say something, but closed it again when nothing came to her. Murphy shifted his weight slightly and steadied himself with one hand on the chair's armrest. “Look, I can't possibly know what you went through during those six years, but you must have been lonely as fuck. You deserve to love, to be loved. Or did you forget what Lexa told you before she died?”

Clarke felt like Murphy had just slapped her. “Of course not!” she hissed, but without malice.

“It sure feels like it, though. When will you allow yourself to love again, Clarke?” Murphy asked, softer than she had thought he was capable of. She felt herself choking on tears that hadn't yet made it to her eyes.

“Everyone I love dies! I won't... I can't...” she broke off.

“Bullshit. Madi is alive. So is your mom, and Raven,” Murphy retorted. And then, after a beat, “And so is Bellamy.”

Clarke chewed on her bottom lip, still holding the tears at bay. This had been the first time she actually admitted that she was afraid of allowing herself to actually pursue her feelings for Bellamy, regardless of Echo, because of what had happened in the past. Her father. Wells. Finn. Lexa. She was afraid that her heart couldn't take another heartbreak. Not if it came to any of the people she still had in her life.

“I can't,” she said again, struggling to still keep the tears at bay. Murphy exhaled noisily.

“I can't tell you what to do, Clarke,” he said. “But I think you're punishing yourself.”

With this, he got up and jumped into the pool again, leaving her to her own devices. She sighed. She didn't want to admit it, but Murphy had a point. Even when she had been dying, Lexa had still believed that life was about more than just surviving, and when Clarke had barely survived Praimfaya, she had stopped believing it.

Maybe it was time to do more than just surviving again.

*

It was beginning to grow dark outside, the street lamps trying to hold the darkness at bay, but it kept pressing in more and more forcefully. Clarke watched Madi as she sat in the chair that was far too big for her at the desk, going over the homework from school that was due for the next day. She was so absorbed in it, she didn't even notice when Clarke left the room. But when she closed the door and turned around, she was suddenly face to face with Bellamy. Inhaling sharply, she stumbled back against the wooden door.

“Oh, hi,” she said breathlessly, thrown by how close they were still standing.

“Hi,” he replied equally breathlessly. And, after a beat, “I was looking for you.”

Clarke's heartbeat accelerated, sending hot flashes across her skin. She forced herself not to jump to conclusions. “Uhm... well, here I am,” she said awkwardly.

“Can we talk privately?” he asked quietly, even though there was no one else around in this particular part of the house right now.

“Sure,” Clarke said, trying to keep her voice as leveled as possible. “Uhm, how about over there?” she suggested, pointing at a secluded, spacious nook next to the pool room. Bellamy motioned his approval and they walked over. Inside Clarke's head ran a loop of _What if this is it What if he's gonna tell me he loves me What am I gonna say then What if he kisses me What if What if What if_. So much for not jumping to conclusions.

They came to a halt in the middle of the dimly lit room. Bellamy had shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants and just then, he looked like a little schoolboy. Clarke fumbled with her own fingers, not sure what to do with them, her nervous energy transferring into them.

“So...” she drawled nervously, trying to ignore the loop still running in her head. Awkwardly, she chuckled. Bellamy did too, removing one hand from the pocket of his pants and rubbing it across the back of his neck, breaking their eye contact.

“I... uh... broke up with Echo,” Bellamy said, cautiously looking at Clarke again like he was waiting for her reaction, which he probably was. She couldn't help the tiny smile that tugged on one corner of her mouth, finally hearing those words out of his mouth, and not just from Murphy.

“So I've been told,” she replied, tugging a strand of hair behind her ear. She noticed that his hair was still slightly damp, and she thought that maybe he joined the others in the pool after she had left. Bellamy's eyes searched her face again when Clarke didn't say anything else, the silence stretching between them.

“What do you think about that?” he asked softly, shuffling ever so slightly closer. The corner of Clarke's mouth tugged again. When his fingers found hers, her heart skipped a beat, and when she looked down at their hands, Bellamy took another step to close the distance between them. Clarke looked up again.

“My selfish side is... happy,” she replied hesitantly since she had only begun to allow herself that feeling of happiness after the talk with Murphy a few hours ago. “My anxious side... is worried.”

“Worried?”

Clarke bit her lip, taking a moment to think. Finally, she thought the truth was the way to go. “That you didn't break up with her because of me.”

“What makes you think that?” Bellamy asked and took her face in his hands, holding her close. Clarke's heart skipped a beat. She got lost in his eyes as, for a moment, he hesitated, searching her eyes, before he leaned closer, their breath mixing, the grip of his fingertips growing firmer, his nose brushing against the side of hers, his curls falling against her forehead, closer, closer, _closer_. She saw every single freckle dotting his skin and could faintly smell his distinct scent and she thought:

 _Home_.

“What does your heart say?” Bellamy whispered against her lips as he ceased moving, his hot breath mixing with hers. She immediately remembered the time she had said almost the same, back in the worm-infested desert all that time ago. She didn't miss a beat.

“Same as yours,” Clarke whispered back.

Bellamy began to close the remaining space between them.

Suddenly, they were swathed in completely darkness. Bellamy took his hands from her face and Clarke tilted her head upwards in the direction of the first floor as noises drifted downstairs, sounds of yelling and fists connecting with skin and heavy boots on the laminate floor. By instinct, her hand searched for Bellamy, and when she found his, he took it without hesitation, their fingers entwining.

“What's happening?” she asked as a group of people dressed completely in black came running down the stairs, ghostly illuminated by the nightlights under each of the stair's steps. Clarke's grasp on Bellamy's hand increased as the figures reached the bottom of the stairs, splitting up to search the rooms, with two of them spotting Clarke and Bellamy, each grabbing one of them, pulling them apart.

“Stop!” Clarke yelled and tried to wind herself from the grip of the person, as Bellamy bellowed, “Let her go!”

Clarke could hear the screams and protests from Madi, Octavia and the others throughout the house and her stomach dropped, filling her veins with anxiety. It only intensified when the person pulled a bag over her head, blinding her.

“Let go off me!” Clarke yelled, trying yet again to free herself, but it was no use. Her arms were being pulled behind her back and her wrists cuffed, limiting her range of motion drastically.

“Cooperate and nothing will happen to you,” the person who held her said firmly and Clarke stopped fighting, surprised. She hadn't expected a reply. And that voice was strangely familiar...

The person jostled her upstairs as Clarke tried to turn her head to look for Bellamy, but the bag didn't let through even the slightest bit of light. She tried to break free from the person's grip a few more times, more so when she was hit by the cold night air and heard the low rumbling of a car's engine, but to no avail. She was pushed inside the vehicle, uncomfortably sitting on a hard metal bench as the material of the cuffs cut into the skin of her wrists. She winced inaudibly.

Just a moment later, someone else was shoved onto the bench next to her, slamming into her side as they lost their balance.

“Bellamy?” Clarke asked under her breath, not wanting to let the abductors hear her.

“Yeah,” rumbled Bellamy as quietly as he could.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” Bellamy said again, straightening himself so he didn't lean as heavily onto Clarke anymore. Just then, another person was shoved into the car, feet stepping on feet, knees connecting with knees, body banging against the metal insides of the car.

“Shaw?” Diyoza's voice cut through the ongoing jumble and it was in that moment that Clarke realized that whatever the abductors' plan was, they wouldn't get all of them – her mother and Jackson, along with the still hospitalized Gaia and Kane, were at St. Luke's for their evening shift. Dread froze the blood in her veins at the prospect of being separated from them. Or maybe it was just the prospect of being kidnapped.

“No, it's Bellamy, and Clarke,” Bellamy replied as someone else was shoved onto the bench and into him, pushing Clarke against the metal wall again. The cold of the metal started seeping through her clothes into her skin, sending goosebumps across her whole body.

“Clarke?” Madi's panic-stricken voice then called out, having heard Bellamy just answer Diyoza.

“Madi!” Clarke called back, trying to reach out to her, but there was no space to do so. “Are you okay?”

“I think so,” the girl replied, her voice still shaking. “What's happening, Clarke?”

“I don't know,” she said but her answer was almost drowned out by other people being pushed onto the benches, the metal amplifying every sound, and then, with a bang, the doors at the rear end were slammed shut and the engine revved up, setting the car into motion.

“What the fuck is this shit?!” Murphy called out and Clarke could hear him rebel against his restraints, the cuffs scraping against the wall behind him, metal on metal.

“Murphy, calm down,” Bellamy ordered him. Clarke tried to lean forwards to shake the hood off her head, but the material was too inflexible to budge. She gave up after a minute, slumping against the wall again. A shiver ran down her spine as her back connected with the cold metal again. Then, a moment later Bellamy asked, “Is everyone okay?”

A murmur of “Yeah”s and “Yes”s followed, and Clarke realized that Miller was in the car with them, too. Her heart ached for him; she couldn't imagine what he was going through.

The car sped up as they fell silent, only Miller's ragged breathing audible now and then. Clarke tried to make sense of what had just happened, trying to figure out why the voice of the person who had cuffed her had sounded so familiar, but she couldn't put her finger on it. Was it the librarian she had talked to the first day she had visited the library?

The car cut a corner and Clarke slammed into Bellamy, her head connecting hard with his shoulder. She heard the others slipping and sliding on the benches as well, their feet searching for traction. If only their hands were free.

The engine revved up yet again as the car accelerated to a dangerous speed, sending all of them sliding on the benches at the slightest changes of direction. It went like this for fifteen, maybe twenty minutes, before the car slowed down considerably. That didn't mean that the drive became more pleasant though, as the path the car took now became extremely bumpy, causing them to bump against each other constantly. Clarke gritted her teeth.

With a hard jerk that shoved her forcefully against the wall next to her, and Bellamy against her, and Madi against him, the car finally came to a halt. When the engine shut off, the silence was almost deafening. But just moments later, the shouts of people from outside the car came muffled inside, the vehicle rocking slightly as the driver exited it and closed the driver's side door. Clarke could feel Bellamy breathing rapidly where he was pressed against her and she was surprised to find that her own breathing was quite calm. Her heartbeat was not, though.

Then, she heard how the rear door was opened and the others were pulled outside until she was the only one left. With the pumping of her heartbeat in her ears, she let herself be guided out of the car. When her feet connected with the ground outside, she realized it was grass. Long grass, brushing up to her knees and making walking difficult as she was pulled along by someone's hand on her upper arm. It wasn't forceful, though, just firm enough to make sure she wouldn't fall onto her face if she stumbled.

They didn't walk long, not even a full minute, when the air changed and Clarke realized they were inside a building or structure, and the concrete she was walking on had a steep decline. She heard the footsteps of everyone in front of her, but none of her friends were protesting anymore. It was eerie.

At last, they came to a halt. The air felt warmer, warm enough that Clarke didn't shiver without a jacket like she had in the car. She heard a familiar hum that reminded her of the lights on the Ark that would buzz constantly with old age.

There was shuffling all around her. Then the bag was pulled from her head and her hands uncuffed. Clarke blinked at the sudden brightness, trying to make out where she was. But before she could look around, her eyes got caught on a woman in front of her. She was dressed completely in black, exactly like the people who had taken them. Her wavy brown hair was tucked behind one of her ears, which made her look very young, but Clarke thought that she couldn't be much younger than herself.

With a quick glance around, she saw that Bellamy stood right beside her, along with Jordan and Raven, and they all looked just as confused as she felt. But none of them were injured, which seemed like a good sign.

The people who had uncuffed them joined the woman's side at the front, and Clarke looked at her again. The woman took a step forward and looked at no one in particular when she said:

“I'm Karma. We're The Eyes.”

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyyyyyyyyy so i'm back. i know it's been a few weeks but uni & my personal life has been crazy and i kept finding myself putting off writing and suddenly i hadn't written anything for, like, a month. so i'm super sorry about that! So here's the next chapter, thanks everyone for reading and leaving kudos and comments and everything (see i haven't even gotten around to replying to them individually, argh!)  
> I hope you enjoy this one. It's short. Sorry!

 

Bellamy blinked at her.

“I totally get that you're all confused. So here's what happened. We rescued you because we saw a once in a lifetime opportunity to –”

“Rescued us?” Miller snapped suddenly, his eyebrows drawn together, his lip curled. “The fuck's that supposed to mean? What about the others?!” With that, he set off towards Karma with his hands balled up in fists.

“Miller!” Bellamy bellowed, taking a step in his direction to stop him as one of the guards next to Karma met Miller halfway and, with a hit of the side of his hand to Miller's neck, sent him crumbling to the ground. Bellamy stared at the form of his... _friend?_... on the ground with wide eyes. 

“You?” Clarke's unbelieving voice cut through the silence then, and Bellamy found her staring at the guard who had knocked out Miller, and when he followed her gaze, he wondered why he hadn't noticed before. It was Private Hernandez.

On the ground, Miller regained consciousness, coughing a few times before he shook his head and Niylah helped him back up. He kept glowering at Private Hernandez and Karma as Niylah pulled him back in line.

With a curt jerk of Karma's chin, Private Hernandez joined the other guards again.

“Look, this is a shitty situation. We tried to come up with a way to get all of you out, but every plan had a flaw, some risk. We needed to wait for the right moment to make sure we don't put all of you, and all of us, in danger.”

“Why?” Bellamy asked, his voice sounding several tones deeper than usual, even to his own ears. He knew it made him sound more intimidating, more sure of himself, but he was feeling anything but that.

Karma looked at him. “The government of New Washington is highly controlling.” Clarke exhaled sarcastically next to him. He was reminded of the graffiti he had seen being removed and couldn't help but wanting to roll his eyes. With only a side-glance at Clarke, Karma continued. “Not much of the government activity is known to the public. But for those who work within the system... well, let's just say unrest has been growing for some time. Because one hundred and twenty-two years ago, there was a leak. Officials tried to discredit whoever leaked the information and got rid of all the evidence within a few hours, but they couldn't erase the memories.”

“Memories of what?” Raven asked.

“Memories of the Flame.”

Bellamy could see Madi's hand snap to the back of her neck, to the spot him and Gaia had placed the Flame on. _The Flame_. He wondered if they'd ever be free of that ridiculous piece of tech.

“What do you mean, the Flame?” Clarke asked and Bellamy could hear the quiver in her voice. Well, actually, _hear_ was wrong word. _Sensed_ was more accurate. Because her voice was calm, but he saw the tense way she held her shoulders, suppressing her anxiety. He wondered when they had grown so close that he could tell how she felt just from her shoulders.

“The official name is VISO – visual intelligent security observation,” Karma continued more slowly. Bellamy couldn't help but notice these people's affinity for Latin. He marveled whether the people who had lived before the first apocalypse had had the same fondness; he made a mental note to ask Shaw about it. “It's a microchip that's connected to the optic nerve and capable of converting the visual stimuli into data that can be viewed and stored on computers. According to the government, it's used exactly for what the acronym stands for – to ensure security, safety, peace, through video footage. According to them, only law enforcement is equipped with it. But the leak revealed that's not the case, that it's not just law enforcement. Although, thanks to the _unending_ effort of the government, all the public believes to know is that there is some unofficial personnel which provides the government with their footage. This, even though it's not the full truth, still has the exact desired effect: that everyone feels watched at all times.”

Bellamy felt how his mouth was hanging open at this barrage of information that had just washed over him. He saw how Karma took in their reaction for a few moments before she took a deep breath.

“Because the whole truth is... that everyone is equipped with it.”

An unsettling feeling rummaged in the depths of Bellamy's insides, a blurred memory of a half-conversation he's had with Raven in Eligius Tower about one of her dreams coming back to him.

“Everyone?” Octavia asked, her voice taking on the same deep note that Bellamy's had earlier. Even if sometimes he couldn't see it, they _were_ brother and sister after all.

Karma nodded.

“Every man, woman and child. At birth. At least until you arrived.”

Bellamy turned his head and found Clarke looking at him, her eyebrows knitted in worry.

“I'm sorry,” she said, holding Bellamy's stare another second before she looked over at Karma. “But how are we... like... what's the plan? Why now? Why rescue us? How do you even have all these inside information?”

Bellamy caught her glance and nodded subtly. The same questions had been running through his head, too many to count, too many to make sense of everything that had been happening since they woke up after their 125-year-slumber.

“The Eyes are a huge network,” Karma replied, shifting her weight from one leg to the other. “Not in the topmost ranks, but spread far and wide enough to gather all the information we need.”

“And what information is that, exactly?” Octavia asked, her arms crossed before her chest. The fluorescent lights made the lines between her eyebrows stand out starkly. Karma eyed her, her eyebrows equally furrowed. Bellamy had the slight suspicion that those two wouldn't be able to stand one another. Too much of the same, raw energy.

“You're proof of what's been going on. There's hasn't been a trail of hard evidence of VISO for ages, because everyone gets it basically the second after birth and it's all hush-hush and undercover, but you guys... well.” Raven looked over at Bellamy and he knew she remembered the “dream” she'd told him about. “We finally got the evidence we need. With your arrival, we can finally show everyone what's been happening. It's never been the intention for Eligius III to settle here permanently, but that's what's happened, and we just...” Karma took another deep breath and sucked the inside of her bottom lip between her teeth for a moment before unclenching herself. “It's the same shit as on Earth, the constant surveillance, control, all that shit that made life unbearable and it's happened here too, and we think it's about fucking time we change it.”

Bellamy felt the corners of his mouth turn into a surprised grin, which he tried to hide. Yes, same raw energy.

“So that's why now. That's why it's worth the risk. It's now... or never.”

*

Bellamy watched as Madi struggled to put the cover on her blanket, her arms too short to reach both corners simultaneously. Clarke came to her help, taking over, and just for a moment, Bellamy pictured the three of them, somewhere else, a place he only knew from old movies he had seen as a kid on the Ark, a house, a family, a garden with a white picket fence. He shook his head to get rid of the thought. They'd never have this. Not like that, at least. There was always something else happening, something ruining whatever they had accomplished. He sighed.

“Hey,” Raven's soft voice came from his side, her hand on his shoulder. Bellamy looked over at her and saw that she wore her hair down, a sight he hadn't seen in a long time. He thought it suited her, though he'd never mention it again. He had done so the first time Raven had had her hair down back on the Ark, and she had spit back a remark about their night together at him. Though Raven had assured him afterwards that it was meant in good sport, Bellamy kept suspecting that Raven had disliked the compliment because it was based on her appearance, something she, so she said, didn't care about, so she didn't wanna hear any comments about it, thank you very much. “You alright?”

He sucked in his lips for a moment before nodding, averting his eyes. “Just... a lot of change, you know?” he finally replied, looking back at her. Raven raised her eyebrows in a knowing, understanding way and looked over at Clarke down the rows of bunk beds who just shook Madi's pillow before putting it back on the top bunk. Bellamy cleared his throat in discomfort.

“Sorry, I just...” Raven started and leaned against the metal frame of the bed, her head tilted at him. The silence stretched between them for a few seconds longer before she continued. “Did you guys talk?”

Bellamy's breath caught for a moment in his throat. He felt the blood ride into his cheeks at the memory of his almost-kiss with Clarke. How close they had been. Her breath on his skin, his cheeks, his lips...

He was grateful for the dim light in the room.

“Kind of,” he replied truthfully. It was then that Echo crossed his line of vision, and he felt his stomach lurch. Raven must've sensed it, because she followed his gaze until she found the source of the shift in his mood. She inhaled deeply.

“I know you don't wanna talk with her about it, but I think she deserves it. I don't know what went down between you, and I don't _wanna_ know, but she still seems angry.”

“No shit,” Bellamy replied with a sigh, exhausted, and rubbed the corner of his left eye.

“You guys had been together for what, almost two years? And then shit went sideways because Clarke was still alive. Not that I blame you,” she quickly added. “But you know. Don't leave it like that.”

“Please don't give me the “You're adults, you should talk it out”-talk.”

Raven shook her head with an amused smirk. “Can't tell you something you already know yourself,” she said and, with the smirk still in place, left.

*

Bellamy tossed off his blanket and sat up in his bed. The room was quiet, everyone still asleep, but sleep just wouldn't come back to him. He slipped on his clothes as silently as he could and headed for the door.

As he walked down the corridors, he once again tried to wrap his head around everything that had happened. Karma had continued to tell them that the reason VISO was nicknamed Flame was because when the leak had happened, the government had actually burned the evidence in an unprecedented display of madness, and those that had been convicted of the leak had died in a “mysterious” fire. True Fahrenheit 451 fashion.

Karma had then shown them around the base, an old abandoned facility built into the mountain range that hadn't served any specific purpose after half of it had collapsed after an earthquake. But since it still had all the essential technological connections to the city, while also allowing the network to figure out a way to either disrupt the transmission of the VISO data or remove the chip itself in the facility, it was the perfect base for the Eyes.

Bellamy followed his feet blindly and soon found himself on the ramp that led to the garage entrance, the ramp they had stumbled down just hours earlier with the blindfolds still in place. He following the slope.

He started shivering. He was still inside, technically, but his breath came out in white puffs, and the skin on his arms began to form goosebumps. He looked around as he reached the metal link gate and found a room off the side with a rack along with wall hung with black jackets. He took one off the hook and slipped into it and past the gate into the early morning.

He hadn't been awake this early to see the sunrise since they had landed, and as he came to a halt in the overgrown meadow, he wondered what it looked like from the rooftop terrace of Eligius Tower. The sun – the red, bigger one – crept over the lower peaks of the mountains in the west, a peculiarity he hadn't noticed before, and tinted the world in an iridescent pink-red hue, painting sparkling jewels onto every frozen over blade of grass. He inhaled deeply, taking in the beauty of it all.

The crunch of footsteps on the icy grass made him turn around and his heart fluttered in his chest when he recognized her by her blonde hair, a smile sneaking onto his face.

“Hey,” Clarke said when she joined his side, endlessly soft. He was reminded of the moment when he had woken up from cryosleep, her the first thing he had seen after 125 years. It seemed fitting now, looking back, that this new part of his life had started with her.

“Hey,” Bellamy replied quietly and turned to face her. Somewhere in the vegetation of the mountains, an animal called out, long and high. He waited for her to say something, anything else, but Clarke stayed silent, only looking up at him, the pink clouds reflecting in her eyes. Before he could stop himself, he had reached out and cupped her cheek with his hand.

Clarke closed her eyes as she exhaled, all tension leaving her body, and leaned into the touch. Bellamy's breath, instead, stuttered in time with his heartbeat. They stayed like this for a moment, two, three, an eternity.

Gently, Clarke placed her hand over his and moved it from her face, but kept her fingers entwined with his when their hands hung between them, and looked at him.

“How do we do this?” she finally asked, her voice small. Bellamy wasn't quite sure which of the things she meant that ran through his head now, so he asked, “Do what?”

Clarke's eyes flickered over his shoulder towards the silhouette of New Washington in the distance, the sun glinting off of the metal-and-glass jungle.

“This... Us. I...” she broke off, exhaling shakily. He could sense the anxiety built up inside her, how she tried to find the right words, searching, searching, searching, but never finding them.

“Hey,” he said softly and stepped closer, taking her other hand too. As he stood this close, he could see the quiver of her chin, almost unnoticeable. He searched too, wanting not to say the wrong thing, when suddenly, he realized he already knew what to say. “Together.”

Clarke stared at him, her eyebrows anxiously knitted.

“I just... when has that ever worked out?” she started, raising her shoulders helplessly. “We always try and try and try and somehow it's never enough! It's like we're cursed! God, I needed you so much in those six years, those first months, and I... I didn't know if I'd ever see you again and I...” She opened and closed her mouth, like she wanted to say something else, but she stayed silent, shaking her head, once, at a loss.

Bellamy knitted his eyebrows. “Clarke, I –”

“I'm just so damn scared of losing you, Bellamy!” Clarke burst out, her voice failing her towards the end. And then, without a second thought, Bellamy pulled her close and kissed her. Held her close and kissed her like he was drowning and she was the oxygen he so desperately needed. And she kissed him back, _Oh God she was kissing him back_ , like she was burning alive and he was the only thing easing her pain. Closer and closer still he pulled her, his arm around the small of her back and hers around his neck, blocking out the world. Together they spiraled, clinging to one another, until his skin prickled from the blood rushing through his veins and the cold, until her breath faltered in the back of her throat, her hands buried in his jacket.

Bellamy stopped himself and leaned his forehead against Clarke's, breathing heavily. He didn't yet dare to open his eyes.

Clarke's breath mixed with his, hers just as rapid as his.

Her nose brushed against the side of his.

He couldn't help but smile.

Finally, he opened his eyes, and found Clarke already looking back at him, her eyes wide with uncertainty. He took her face in his hands and held her still.

“I will never let you go again, Clarke Griffin.”

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

 

“I will never let you go again, Clarke Griffin,” she heard Bellamy say, and she sighed, her breath heavy with relief. She leaned against his hands, holding her steady, and she felt how her heartbeat slowed down again at the certainty that this was real. True. That they were both on the same page.

“Clarke?” someone else then called her name, bringing her back to reality. Bellamy dropped his hand as he turned his head to see who had called for her, and Clarke took a step back to do the same. She found Karma in the spot where the concrete of the ramp slowly crumbled and gave way to the soil of the meadow outside, the sparse blades of grass stoking against her charcoal cargo pants in the subtle breeze. “Do you have a minute?”

Clarke glanced at Bellamy who signified that it was alright if she wanted to leave. She nodded back at him before calling back to Karma, “Yeah. One minute!”

She turned back to Bellamy and kissed him, pulling herself close with her hands on his face. When they broke apart, she exhaled deeply. “I...” _love you_ , she thought, but stopped herself. She knew it'd be ridiculous to say it. She did love him, there was no doubt about that, had loved him for years, but _love_ was a very weighty word to throw around this early in the morning. “I'll see you later, okay?” she said instead, running her thumb over his cheek. Bellamy nodded again, his mouth turning into a tiny smile.

With this, Clarke set off towards Karma who joined her side when they were on one level, and together they went back down the ramp and inside the complex. After several moments of awkward silence in which Clarke went from biting her lip to knitting her eyebrows to biting her lip again because of her discomfort, Karma finally looked over at her.

“First love?” she asked, one eyebrow raised, her lips curved in a smirk. Clarke blinked at her dumbfounded for a moment before she caught herself.

“No... no. Far from it.”

Karma's mouth formed a little o, now both of her eyebrows raised, before she nodded a moment later. The silence returned as they walked through the concrete hallways, the fluorescent lights buzzing above them.

“I didn't mean to pry,” Karma said suddenly and turned towards Clarke, her eyebrows knitted apologetically. “It's just... rare, you know? When you're constantly in survival mode.”

Clarke felt the rush of her heartbeat picking up at the sensation of being known, and knowing in return.

“I know,” she agreed with a tiny smile, trying to incorporate this side of Karma into the one she had got to know when they had arrived. Then, a glimpse of green eyes flashed before her inner eye and she added, “But surviving isn't living.”

Karma chuckled, yet rather sadly. “True.”

In silence again, they kept on walking until they reached a metal door with a peeling coat of green paint. Karma opened the door with a key and extended her arm to beckon her inside.

When Clarke entered the room, she saw that it was some kind of conference room and with a pang of nostalgia, she was reminded of the council room on the Ark. Just less... grim-looking. The table in the middle of the room was made from a light-colored wood, and the chairs around it were less bulky than those in the council room. There was a humongous smartboard taking up almost one complete wall. When Clarke looked over at the other side of the room, she was startled by the two men standing there.

“Clarke, those are Russell and Garrett. My dad and brother.”

Clarke couldn't help staring. In the back of her mind she had been aware that outside of the Ark, there were no One Child Policies. But even while on Earth, it had still felt like an exception, the only pair of siblings coming to her mind being Luna and her brother, which Luna had killed in the Conclave.

“Hello Clarke,” said Russell, who appeared to be around 50 years old, with a scruffy, graying beard, and walked towards her, holding out his hand to shake hers. Still slightly perplexed, she took it and gave it a shake.

“Sorry we're meeting just now,” Garrett added and joined his father's side, but instead of extending his hand as well, he just nodded at her. “We were on a scouting expedition.”

“Karma told us how the rescue mission went down. I hope you managed to get a bit settled already,” Russell continued before Clarke could reply anything. “I hope you don't mind the sleeping arrangements, but space is a bit tight with all of you here. I know the complex looks extensive, but a great part of it is collapsed or otherwise unfit for use.”

“It's alright,” Clarke squeezed in before he could add another sentence. “On the Ark, space was limited too.”

In the short pause that followed, Karma pulled out on of the chairs around the table and sat down, and Clarke and the other two followed suit. Too late Clarke realized that maybe she should've explained what the Ark was.

“So,” Karma said quietly, drawing out the vowel.

“We didn't bring you here out of the kindness of our hearts,” Garrett took over, fixing Clarke with an motionless stare from where he was sitting next to his sister. “We have a goal, and you guys can help us reach that goal.”

Karma laid her hand over his and with a short glance between them, he fell silent.

“As I said yesterday, you guys are our once in a lifetime opportunity,” Karma said. “What I didn't yet tell you is that all of you have got a VISO implant already.”

“What?!” Clarke exclaimed, her heartbeat picking up anxiously yet again, and she felt hot flashes shoot through her body.

“I thought it'd cause too much unrest if I told you yesterday, so I decided to wait.”

Clarke blinked at her. Suddenly, a frightening fear seized her. “If we've got VISO that means Myers sees and hears everything!”

But instead of freaking out as well, Karma, Russell and Garrett remained relaxed.

“No, they can't,” Russell said slowly. “Karma probably told you how we've got the equipment here to extract VISO from humans, but we also reinforced the base to block all outgoing VISO signals.”

Clarke exhaled slowly.

“That's why we used the blindfolds to get you here. Sure, Myers and his cronies still had sound, but without the visual data, it's useless,” Karma explained.

“So we're safe?” Clarke asked, trying to force her heartbeat to slow down by inhaling deeply, holding her breath for a few seconds, and exhaling slowly.

“Think of this as Hogwarts,” Karma said with a smirk. Clarke squinted back at her.

“Hogwarts?”

“Oh, right. I gotta limit my pop culture references. I'll explain later.”

“VISO's how we found you, actually,” Russell continued and Clarke looked at him where he sat two seats away from Karma. “We track VISO activities in our datacenter. We got an alert when the chips were implanted in you because, you see, babies can't see color after birth. So when our system registered an anomaly in not just one, but several freshly implanted chips within a few hours, we knew something had happened. So we checked the data of several government officials and found... you. But what's important for now is that we get those things out of your heads. It's kinda tricky since it's attached to the optical nerve, but our surgery robot removed them in all of us, and none of us has gone blind.”

_Yet_ , Clarke thought, feeling uneasy at the thought of letting a robot dig into her head to remove some government surveillance tech. As if Karma sensed her unease, she said, “It's not fully automated. We've got a doc here who oversees the operations.”

Clarke nodded, trying to reason with her fear. If Karma, or anyone else from The Eyes, wanted to hurt them, they could've done so a hundred times already. Maybe there were good guys after all.

*

Bellamy watched Karma and Clarke as they left and stood in the icy morning a minute or two longer, breathing in deeply. When he grew up, he had always wondered about planets like this in the universe, planets like the Earth, but in his imagination, they had always looked vastly different – planets covered in endless oceans, or otherworldly rock formations, or thick forests hidden in dense mist. Never had he thought one would feel this much like Earth. Like home.

He took on last breath before he set off, back inside, returning the jacket and making his way to the sleeping quarters again. Yet when he reached the door that led to it, he hesitated, his hand on the handle. He remembered the conversation he'd had with Raven yesterday, and he knew she was right. Hell, _he_ knew it was the right thing to do. But like with everything unpleasant in life, his insides twisted uneasily at the thought of facing the problem and going through with it. He clenched his teeth, hard.

He opened he door.

The majority of their group was nowhere to be seen. Bellamy checked the clock above the door on the opposite side of the room and when he saw that it was 7:34 a.m., he figured that they were getting breakfast. Only Miller and Diyoza still occupied the room, but Bellamy had no desire to speak to either of them. So he sat down on his bed and decided to wait until the others returned.

As he sat there and counted the minutes, his mind wandered back to what happened not even half an hour ago outside the compound. His heartbeat accelerate at the mere thought of it, but when he closed his eyes and saw Clarke in front of him again, could almost feel her skin on his fingertips again, a gush of guilt washed over him. He opened his eyes and stared at the metal frame of the bunk in front of him.

He knew it was illogical, that there was no need to feel guilty, but he couldn't help it. Looking back, he felt like Echo had always been second best, like he had settled for less, but he knew that at the time, it hadn't been true. He had needed her, and she had needed him. But that was over now.

The door creaked open and Bellamy looked over and locked eyes with Echo. He gulped. A moment, he hesitated still, his conscience going thought a fleeting, quiet fight, but then he pushed himself up and met Echo as she made her way to her bunk.

She stopped in her tracks, not saying a word.

“Can we talk?” Bellamy said before he could change his mind. Echo looked at him a few seconds longer like she was contemplating whether to agree or not, but finally nodded. He saw her eyes scanning the room, and he added, “Not here.”

Echo nodded again and followed him back to the door. Bellamy looked up and down the hallway and decided to just try the next best door. The first one was locked, the second one turned out to be a storage room, but the third one was what looked to be an abandoned laboratory, old desks and stools pushed to the sides, the walls covered in white, broken tiles. He tried the light switch by the door and with a dull humming, the lights flickered on after half a minute.

“So,” Echo said and brought his attention back to her. She stood in the middle of the room, her arms crossed. Anyone else might have thought she was angry, but Bellamy knew her better. He walked towards her.

“So,” he echoed. He came to a halt two arm's lengths from her and bit his lower lip. Echo untangled her arms and sighed.

“Listen –”

“Please, let me go first,” Bellamy interrupted her, his hands outstretched to stop her. She stayed silent, and so he continued. “I'm sorry about how it all went down. I really am. I said things I shouldn't have, things I didn't mean, shitty, hurtful things. It's just... I can't help my feelings. And I wish you wouldn't need to suffer because of it, but I can't change how I feel.”

He wanted to add more, to explain in greater detail, but knowing Echo he was aware that this would suffice. Indeed she looked at him a moment longer before she exhaled sadly.

“You know,“ Echo said. „I used to worry about Octavia, but from the minute we learned that Clarke was alive... I knew this, us, was doomed. Because I knew you always loved her. Everybody knew. Except the two of you, apparently.”

This took Bellamy by surprise. He hadn't expected her to stay this calm. She had always been a hothead and he had learned to deal with that, so this kinda pulled the rug from underneath his feet.

“I'm not mad, Bellamy. I am sad, and hurt. But _I get it_. Six years ago I wouldn't have been this calm, I couldn't have just let you go. But during our time together, and back on Earth, and since you told me you love her, I realized something. I can't bind you to myself. Six years ago, I would've tried. Because I've been unhappy for most of my life and it's made me cruel and it's easier to take it out on somebody else. But now I can't, because I know you would never be happy again, and I don't want to be responsible for that.”

Bellamy needed a moment to process all this. He was aware that his mouth had fallen open as she had spoken and even now, he couldn't bring it to close. It was like a different person stood in front of him.

“You were never second best, you know that, right?” Bellamy finally said softly. Echo tilted her head before, a heartbeat later, she nodded.

“I'd say _Let's stay friends_ , but we both know that hardly ever works out,” she then said and it caused him to chuckle melancholically. He knew they were both thinking about Murphy and Emori.

“But we're alright?” Bellamy asked warily, his voice not even reaching the corners of the room.

“We will be,” Echo answered equally wistfully. She looked at him a moment longer before she lowered her head and walked past him, out the door. It didn't fall shut with a snap, only thudded gently against the jamb, and Bellamy couldn't help but notice the contrast of how the two of them, instead, had not ended with a whisper, but with a bang.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, leaving kudos and comments! I know it's been some time, but uni was extremely stressful so I only got back into writing after my exams where done. I hope you enjoyed this chapter (and yes, this is the last Becho-focused scene).


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